Fictional BAMF's Part 1

Fictional BAMFs
11 Marzo 2014

"We have all been fooled into believing in people who are entirely imaginary - made-up prisoners in a hypothetical panopticon. But the point isn't whether or not you believe in imaginary people; it's whether or not you want to." R. Schneider

First time I heard of the term BAMF was more than 12 years ago when I first joined the service. The term was actually BAMFP which is the acronym for "bad ass motherfcker on post". The term signifies those crazy soldiers that everyone looked up to (or when referred to sarcastically, the total opposite aka ridiculed for trying hard to be BAMF) for being totally ultra cool---epitomize masculine attributes that impressionable young males could aspire to.  We all have idols; people we look up to and worship as heroes. However not all heroes are historical and real. Sometimes even some historical people are more fictional because its easier to attribute greatness with legends; rather than be dismayed by the meagerness of reality. We deify them above us, so we can use their traits, virtues and qualities as something we can yearn and eventually acquire.This post is about who I consider BAMF's crafted from fiction.

1. Lando Calrissian. Who wouldn't think Lando is a BAMF? Though he's only a supporting character in the Star Wars universe, in canon 'history' Lando once owned the Millenium Falcon and learned the high flying stunts from Han Solo himself. Lando, despite being the only black person in space---at least for the first two movies---(thank Lucas he's badass, otherwise he'd just be in a long list of forgettable token characters) expounds the roughcut urban swagger of a Blaxploitation protagonist with the smooth movements of an American pimp (I mean just look at him, complete with sweet do, lady killing 'stache and a popped collared cape). His sweet demeanor, esp. shown towards Princess Leia, definitely makes him someone you don't want next to your girlfriend. He's the ultimate hustler: a gambler, a seedy entrepreneur, one of the best smuggler pilots in space, scammer and a con-man. He is the equivalent of the appeal of a Mafioso intermixed with that of a lone cowboy. He's a man who made a name for himself with his virtue and he's not afraid of loving himself and himself only. Those are antiheroic qualities that would have made Machiavelli and Ayn Rand sing in unison.  He's also the mayor/ruler of Bespin's Cloud City, so despite the years of being a criminal (mostly as a spice smuggler aka drug dealer), he's become too legit to quit. Yes, Lando is a stereotype that many African-American/American males in general would like and many PC people would hate (because according to some, propagate stereotypes of black males). Who cares? It's fiction people and most guys, despite his racial background, thinks he's one of the best characters in modern cinema. I mean despite all that and the events that transpired in Episode V, he redeemed himself by doing the right thing and endeared himself even more amongst fans by jumping in line with the rebs. All these qualities make Mr. Calrissian not only a BAMF, but one of the more complex characters in modern fiction.

2.  Bruce Wayne. In Batman Begins, Rachel concluded that it was Bruce Wayne that was Batman's mask (instead of the other way around). Whoever really is who, we can say that both personalities are BAMF's. Though I like the gritty Batman himself, I like his alter ego better. Bruce is a party loving gazillionaire who dates super models. If anyone in DC universe that could 'make it rain' it's this dude. He's like the fictional version of George Clooney (handsome forever bachelor---no homo) but way cooler and far richer. As a tycoon, heir-socialite who also took up crazy amount of wisdom ranging from science to detective work, he exhumes the crazy spoiled genius of JP Morgan intermixed with the industrial self-made aura of Vanderbilt. I mean homeboy fell out of radar to learn martial arts from the baddest mofos of the East so he can come home to kick villains' asses in a chaotic dystopian city of Gotham (which probably is only a slight different from the real New York City). Almost all superheroes got their physical powers given (alien boy Superman, merman Aquaman, magical rings of Flash and Green Lantern) Mr. Wayne got his the old fashion way: unpaid internship to a circle of apocalyptic ninja monks, where for years  in a remote 3rd world monastery got his ass kicked on a daily basis, doing daily grueling survivalist workout Bear Grylls would have nightmares about. On top of that, he also learned Houdini escapist skills that's why no one could hold on to him for very long. Outside of Chuck Norris-like moves, he's also got a brilliant mind. His derivative Sherlock Holmesian brain is a vast encyclopedia making an improbable IQ mix of a super sleuth with that of a Nobel Prize winner (on all categories---specifically chemistry, science, biology etc.) On a regular basis this guy is figuring out scientific breakthroughs that help him combat villains and save people in distress (how many times did he save Gothamites by figuring out various cures, antidotes and antivenins?) Bruce also got a heart of gold, a philanthropist by day and spends his nights endangering himself on a corrupt town that most heroes would've given up on. He's got a mansion, a man cave (real one), his ride can valet park itself and his other ride definitely is a jet. For connections, he's BFF's with chief of police and the district attorney, so don't expect him to spend a day in jail---not that he would ever need to. What sealed his baller status though is his ancillary. You're not that rich unless you got a butler. Now even P. Diddy have a nerd follow him around, but Bruce has got Alfred. Not only is he British, but he's also a total BAMF himself (no your minion can't fly planes, fix supercomputers, fight villains, quote Shakespeare and do gardening I don't think). Only thing that is totally uncool about Bruce Wayne is the fact that he seems to like keeping scantily tight clothed costume wearing juveniles unreasonably close to him.

To be continued...

Road Ragin' Against the Machine Pt. 2

Road Ragin’ Pt. Deuce

03 Marzo 2014 1400

“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.” D. Barry, Dave Barry Turns 50

Cont. on the things that raises my blood pressure while driving on the friendly streets of Middle America…

 6. The One. How, you ask, do you merge like you’re in the Matrix? Well first make sure before you get out of your house/apartment that you don’t give a crap about other people. In the matrix, everything is made up so all these people around you aren’t real. Secondly, you find a busy intersection to merge into. Wait until a car has the right of way on the same exact lane you’re going to merge. Wait on that stop sign/light until the oncoming traffic is most certainly going to need to brake suddenly or hit you. Even better: make sure that there’s no one else behind them…just so he/she knows that you’re personally doing this to fvck their day up (extra points: make sure this person have children in their vehicle---nothing says I don’t give a f*** more than child endangerment). Lastly, but not least, lean back, use one arm on the wheel and merge suddenly but VERY slowly so they have to slam the brakes. Pretend Morpheus just gave you the blue pill and everything is in bullet time. Best if you do this while blasting trip hop or industrial techno, wearing shades, and black trench coat for effect. Remember it’s one thing to try to beat the oncoming traffic so you can merge faster, it’s another to piss them off by taking your sweet ass time as if it’s you’ve got right of way. But I guess you can do whatever you want if you’re the Chosen One.

7. Racer X. Don’t you just love those asswipes that try to race you on stop lights/exit lights and then when they take you over they travel slower blocking you like you’re watching an episode of Speed Racer in real life? Let me give you an example of such Racer X wannabes. Not too long ago I was late for work, I’m speeding 15 mph (yes I’m an asshole too!) early morning (zero dark thirty)…but I’m committed to this speed mind you (been traveling on that road for miles at the same exact speed). I’m on the far left lane. Stopped on a red light and the guy that was behind me, who was travelling way slower, decided he’ll go the next/right lane (make sense right?) So green light goes, I sped to 5, then 10, then 15 over the speed limit, and this dude next to me decided he’ll do the same as if he’s racing me. Okay, I’ve reach 15+ and that’s the most I’ll break the law (as I have for miles because I’m running late). So yours truly and Racer X were up and up for a good mile, when he decided to speed a little more so he can cut me off. No one, not one damned car, was anywhere close (not behind me nor him for probably miles). In my mind, well if he’s committed to that speed (since he’s been doing so for almost a mile after the light as if he was on the last lap of a race trying to beat me) fine as long as he drives as fast or faster so I don’t have to ride his back and I get to travel my desired speed. The guy decided he’ll then travel at speed limit/slow down after he got in front of me. WTF? Four lanes empty! He could’ve merged behind me if he wasn’t willing to travel faster in the first place. So I said, the last bit of reasonable doubt I had left of this motherfcker, to my self that MAYBE he intended to turn left like I did; maybe that's the reason why he had to be in that lane so badly right?...No he didn't. Racer X he just had to be first in line. He was willing to break the law just so he can be in front of me and then conform to the posted speed. Sometimes I wanna arm my truck with a plower/dozer so I can ram these fools off the road. If you’re Racer X here’s the first place trophy m@therfck3r, now hold it up to your eyes…a little closer, a little more…wait for it…

8. Johnny Come Lately. While driving in North America, you pretty much have to be blind, illiterate, or just plain stupid not to know when your lane is coming up. There are signs posted EVERYWHERE telling you where and when to exit, merge, slow down, etc. When I say "everywhere" I mean "eve-ry-whe-re." There are giant signs/billboards mounted on gantries WITH ARROWS pointing which lane this will merge/exit posted 45 ft. above your head. It’s even color coded (yellow means exit only or exit coming up very soon). And at places some are electronic signs telling you messages like “this lane is blocked because of accident” or “delay these many minutes because of so and so”. There are signs on the road/asphalt itself that signify lane endings (dotted lines, or writing that says “This lane ends 1000 ft”). There are also placards posted on the side of the road, either in drawing (which even kindergarteners could decipher) or writing in plain English (‘this lane merges’, ‘exits so and so is in this much and a some odd mile’---down to the quarter mile measurement!) And they are also color coded (orange or yellow aka bright colors so you can read them easily). So why, if you have signs, below (on the road), above (billboards), and on the side (signs) of you, but for the love of gosh, CAN’T you tell when your lane is coming up? And why would one, at the last minute, endanger four lanes worth of motorists by drastically crossing all those fvcking lanes so he/she can get into the exit at the last availed moment when proper time and place should’ve been estimated (exactly when and where) way ahead of time? It’s an excuse to say, I’m "new in town", or "I’m just passing through I don’t know these roads"…but if you live here and you drive similar routes why can’t you find an appropriate distance to slowly get into the lanes you need to be so that when you have to exit you don’t have to slow down, cut off or just piss everyone off desperately trying to exit the freeway/road?

9. The Mexican Roadblocker. Now I honestly don’t know where this racist term came from, but I’m almost certain that it’s not only Mexicans who are doing this. This technique is performed with at least two motorists on at least a double lane road (on either side of direction bound lane eg two north, two south etc.) The person traveling on right lane can travel any speed; it’s the slow lane anyhow at least it’s legal if within posted minimum speed limit. You’ll piss a lot of people off if you travel below the speed limit, but hey it’s legal as long as it’s not slower than minimum. The next step is when the other guy then merge on the left lane (fast lane) and travel the same speed as the guy on the right so side by side no one behind them can pass through. Now before I say a bunch of expletives I’d say that the very rare freeway left merging lanes (most lanes merge only on the right on American interstate/freeway, as well as exits, but these are the few exceptions), it’s excusable…you need to be on the left lane so you can exit/merge and you want to travel the slow speed just for that reason until you merge on that road. But why oh why do d!*kmunchers do this on an open road for no other gotdern reason? If you feel the need to travel at that speed why can’t/don’t you a. travel behind that person on the right b. speed up, merge right and travel in front of that person then travel at the same speed (note “same speed” at the guy behind you, look Racer X #7) c. travel faster on the left lane so others can over take the guy on the right. In most states it’s technically* even illegal to drive on the left lane except to pass (*although rarely enforced), so unless you really want to piss people off mind what lane you drive on. Most freeways have 3-4 lanes (you can hang out there for hours if you want), but if your intent is to travel on the speed limit, fine just keep the farthest left lane open. Keep it open for speed monkeys like me. Sharing is caring.

10. The Prophet. I’d have to admit this last one is probably the most irrational on my list because it has little to do with safe driving. I really don’t have to get mad at ‘em, but I do anyways. I believe in freedom of speech, but it doesn’t mean people who have tons of stickers on the chassis of their car don’t irritate the hell outta me. They usually belong in one of two camps: the political left or the right. Usually these two camps, who for sure are subscribers of either NBC or Fox News, have signs that try to preach to you about various sociopolitical topics. Like “I love my kids too much to vote a Democrap” or “Love Us Not Eat Us” or anything along those lines. They’re like those crazy cat people or those hoarders except they collect and post these advertisement on their vehicles as if they’re going to change people’s minds while sitting on bumper to bumper traffic. Those that aren’t in these two camps are not as crazy but annoying as well. Other such stickers would like to expound to us how much “I LUV MY DACHSCHUND” (yes all in caps) or how “My Son is an Honor Roll Student” (as if they don’t get bullied enough in school). How many times have you been told by such stickers that his other ride is G6 private plane? I love the most are those with Christian ichtus (the fish sign) either as a sticker or a magnet on their bumper. It’s funny how they want to propagate to the world how proud they are to be part of the flock, but when they drive or when they are out and about it very well seem like they are part of the opposite crew (I see how you cared so much for that poor lady broken down on the side of the road with her blinkers on that you didn’t help, and passed her by while you’re listening to worship songs on the radio and while wearing your WWJD shirt---Good Samaritan, least of my brothers what?) Either practice what you say, or papa please don’t preach. Amen.

If you agree, disagree, or have anything to comment about, please do. Once more, pardon me for my language. Some emotions are just hard to convey without such words.

I love you long time,

McLovin’ out.

Relevant tunes:

N. Dogg + Warren G.- Regulate

War- Low Rider

Modest Mouse- Dashboard

Beach Boys- 409

O. Osbourne- Crazy Train

Clusterfunk

Clusterfunk
19 Marzo 2014 1700

"Vulgarity is like a fine wine: it should only be uncorked on a special occasion, and then only shared with the right group of people." J. Rozoff

Being a joe isn't necessarily the most praise worthy job out there. Despite the nobility of what government service is or maybe, there always are people who think that being a service member meant you're a dependent  of government dough or that you have such a lowly job because you're not too bright. I personally don't care, I'll never change minds; military life and culture is always unique to me and that's all that matters. Going back to perceptions,  first thing people notice when you're not intelligent or perceive you as not too intelligent is your language. I guess whether you are or not, there is a tendency for people to judge your linguistic skills based on your IQ. Word craft, at least initially, is often attributed to how well developed your mind maybe. Military speech, nor culture in general, has never been considered refined by any stretch. Either because of the history of the job, or the simple the reality that military language was never meant for finesse. Military ways had always been engineered with a purpose and at least, with greatest intent, for efficiency (I say intent because a lot of things in the military aren't efficient at all). Short, sweet, and to the point. The language is created for the lowest common denominator (and some just to make sure) and and poised to be direct (in order to avoid confusion and shorten observation time)
  I find vocabulary we use interesting and worth sharing for those who may want to know or simply have no exposure to 'military speak'. If we look at history, military lingo had often been the carrier of new languages and terms. Many Romance languages and words today (ie Latin-based language such as French, Spanish, Portuguese) are heavily influenced by military-terms and word usage once proliferated by Roman soldiers as they fought across the world. Example are the words 'caballo' 'cavalry' 'chevalier' all has roots to caballus, a Vulgar (colloquial, simple, common tongue spoken by the masses especially soldiers) Latin for horse. It's different from traditional and literary (official and proper) Latin word for horse, equus, where the word equestrian comes from. The term itself might have been borrowed from a Celtic origin, since many Celts were employed by Romans as cavalryman to support their military campaigns. Note that the root word of this, and many other, words in many languages today came from 'common' speak, often considered 'lowly' initially. 
  There are many terms crossing over to mainstream language today and also to the vocabularies of locals where lands are campaigned on by the military. Being of Filipino descent, I can attest that the term 'boondocks' probably came from US soldiers borrowing the Tagalog word for mountain, where in early years of the war and occupation many fighters might have fled towards to continue guerrilla warfare. At first such words maybe considered isolated (only use by the military) or at best colloquial (slang), but over time these words, just like many Romantic words in the past, become legitimized and mainstream. Besides words being brought back, there are terms also being supplied to the other such as the many American slangs used in the Philippines. American English spoken by young, working class American servicemen and women proliferates all over the world where US troops are stationed. The military has a plethora of terms created and use for many specific functions. I can't speak for other services but this post is about favorite terms, words and phrases that I learned through my  years of service in the Army.

1. Blue Falcon- n. Hollywood (non-NATO standard phonetic) call signifier that stands for the letters b (bravo) and f (foxtrot)---thus aka bravo fox. Blue falcon is another term for “buddy fcker”, which is a slang meaning someone who ‘screws over’ his friend, his ally, or anyone that should be on the same side of the fight as he/she. Blue falcon can also mean ‘selfish’. In a community where team building and team work is important, someone who acts for selfish gains which usually results to something negative for someone else in uniform is said to be a blue falcon.

Other: blue falcon-ed, -ing (v., trans v.), -ish (adj.), -s (pl. n.)

Use: “I watched over sensitive items and gave my gunner twenty bucks so at least one of us can enjoy lunch away from the barracks. He used my money, took his time eating, didn’t buy me any chow and told me 'tough luck' upon return. He is a blue falcon and will get his just desserts sooner or later.”

2. Soup-sandwich- n. something that is ‘ate-up’ which itself is a slang word meaning ‘something terribly messy’ ‘broken’ 'terribly uncoordinated' 'in disarray' etc. One of the many food terminologies in the Army/military that describes something that is unsatisfactory. Conveys feeling of being chewed, swallowed and spat out. Etymology: "You can't make a soup out of a sandwich nor a sandwich out of soup" from old platoon sergeant. Archaic: FUBAR. A polite version of ‘clusterfck.’ Best followed by the phrase: "tore up from the floor up" ('state of disrepair from head to toe' or 'completely wrong in every angle')

Other: soup-sandwhich-y (adj.)

Use: “Our new lieutenant is a nice gal, but at 0630 she’s a soup-sandwich. Her hair is unkempt, PT shorts are backwards, PT belt is missing, socks are not in regulation and garbles commands as if she's an intoxicated Mary Poppins.”

3. Handjam- v. to write manually.

Other: handjam-med, -ming (v., trans v.)

“The printer ran out of ink and the supply NCO is away for TDY…I had to do my request the old fashioned way by handjamming the letter.”

4. Sham-shield- n. the act of hiding behind one's inferior rank to appear innocent or incompetent. Often used with the intent to pass over punishment or obligation. Usually used specifically and specially (pun unintended) for the rank of Specialist/E4. Etymology: sham (charade) + shield (barrier). The rank of E4 is the highest rank and pay in the junior enlisted ranks. They are given generally more privilege than privates without the expected obligations of NCO's (corporals and up). The term is derived form the rank insignia's shield-like shape.

Other: shamshield-ed, ing (v., trans v.), -s (pl.)

Use: "The two medics in charge of checking the water buffalo for drinkability successfully used their sham shields after they got reprimanded for pouring too much bleach in the water that it washed off the Colonel's new uniform."

5. Civvy n. a. a civilian. b. civilian clothing or non-duty wear/clothes.

Other: civvies (pl. n.)

Use: "Have you seen Sgt. Alvarez when she's in her civvies? Damn I couldn't tell who she was at first glance."

6. Charlie Mike-n., v. terminology that stands for NATO standard phonetics 'c' and 'm', which is the acronym for 'continue (the) mission.' In an institution that always puts fulfilling 'the mission' as the top priority, 'continuing' it is very important.

Other: Charlie mike-d (v.)

Use: "Road Y was heavily mined by the hajji's. Scouts are reconning alternate routes so that we can charlie mike."

7. FRAGO- n. short for 'fragmentary/-ation order' which are small changes in opord (operations order), or orders given after the initial opord to 'revise' the plan or details of the previous operations order. Generally means 'change of plan/s.' Also spelled fraggo, FRAG/O. Not to be confused with 'fragging' (to throw fragmentation grenades, use explosives).

Other: fraggo-ed (v., trans v.)

"The convoy commander fragoed the SP time 3 times in the last hour. Departure went from 08, to 0830 and lastly to 0930. What the hell is he thinking? We need to get the hell out of here ASAP."

8. Zero-dark, Zero-dark Thirty (in the morning) n. colloquial term for any time really early in the morning before sunlight/break of dawn. Etymology: from 24 hour military time (where for example one o'clock AM is called zero one hundred hours).

Other: oh dark thirty (n.)

"Our First Sergeant hates his wife dearly so he wakes us up at zero dark thirty, the earliest possible he can leave his house, to do some PT."

9. Woobie n. a poncho liner, an issued item used in the field similar to a blanket, found or issued with other cold/wet weather gear. Used in tandem for a poncho to create a small roof or a temporary shelter. Etymology: taken from American slang 'wubby' or a child's safety/comfort blanket.

Other: woobie-s (pl. n.)

Use: "After pulling out his woobie from the bottom of his duffel bag, the grunt was overjoyed. I heard him say 'Now it feels like the Four Seasons up in here' as he was setting up his hasty."

10. Fobbit- n. a soldier who's job or position allows him to mainly work inside a FOB/COB or 'behind/inside the wire' and rarely or never out the fence or the front line (patrols, convoys, ambush, QRF) usually a personnel with a 'desk job'. Archaic (pre-Iraqi Freedom): REMF (acronym: rear-echelon motherfcker). Etymology: FOB (forward observation base) + hobbit (JRR Tolkien's fictional creatures; mild mannered Halflings).

Other: Fobbit-s (pl. n.)

Use: "4th Platoon came back tired after 3 days in the bush, only to find out the Fobbits complaining about their morning's choppy internet access and cold coffee."

11. Klick- n. the length of one side of a military map's grid square or 1 km/.62 miles. Etymology: kilometer + click (a notch in compass for artillery targeting measurement, since as story goes term originated from measurement of targeting during 50's-60's or sometime around the Vietnam War---anecdotal evidence)

Other: klick-s (pl. n.)

Use: "We had a very memorable late afternoon workout carrying our casualty on a litter when our incompetent radio operator called MEDEVAC a klick west of our position."

12. Pop-smoke- v. the act of departing, usually with haste. Etymology: when hailing a helicopter for MEDEVAC or exfiltration, the protocol is to use 'signals' to notify aircrew where to land (LZ or landing zone) or mark where intended pick up or present location of those meaning to be evacuated. Since a smoke grenade is often used, the term is associated for being extricated or departing quickly. pop (to uncork, to let out, to pull out pin out of a grenade) + smoke (gas signal, smoke grenade)

Other: popp-ed smoke, -ing (v., trans v.)

Use: "Thank goodness we popped smoke out of there right after 2nd Batt guys went it. My roommate stayed and he's now getting an Article 15 for being involved in a fight that broke soon afterwards."

13. Bolo- v. to fail at a certain task. Etymology: from Filipino-American War when insurgents would use machetes (called bolos) to fight and at times kill US soldiers.

Other: bolo-ed, -ing (v., trans v.)

Use: "The chaplain's assistant drank too much the night before and boloed the PT test run which took place first thing the next morning."

14. NOGO- adj. having failed specific qualifications, being a failure at a certain task. Etymology: no (negative: do not, cannot, should not) + go (to advance). Also spelled: no-go, no go, NG.

Other: a nogo (n.), -es, s (pl. n.), nogo-ed (v.)

Use: "These two are no-gos, sir. The first has a profile after a leg accident, the latter one pissed hot on the drug test."

15. FNG-n. acronym for 'the fcking new guy'. Not pronounced with NATO or Hollywood phonetics, instead with regular English f, n, g. Synonymous with the following slang terms: noob, newbie or greenhorn. An amateur.

Other: FNG-s (pl. n.)

Use: "I was so mad because nothing was done correctly in my packet; I kept my cool only because I remembered I was once an FNG too."

Thanks for reading.

Love you long time,

McLovin' out.

Relevant tunes:

Bloodhound Gang- Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo
Iron Maiden- These Colors Don't Run
Rancid- Civilian Ways

Songs for the Seasons

Songs For The Seasons

14 Marzo 2014 1200

“On some nights I still believe that a car with the gas needle on empty can run about fifty more miles if you have the right music very loud on the radio.” H.S. Thompson

So I wrote this list a while ago when I broke up with someone. I wasn’t going to post it but I have nothing grilling in the back burner at the moment so…Obviously its updated to include newer stuff and wider genre. I just thought it’s interesting, but don’t want to make people think I just got dumped recently. 

A psychiatrist, Dr. Kubler-Ross popularized the phases of grieving in a model named after her. These 5 steps range from denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. Not all people go through the stages in order nor do they all go through some at all. The stages were originally written about how people dealt with death/dying, but pretty much applied with how people deal with any form of loss today. One kind of loss is that of relationship meltdown.

They say songs make you feel better as you cope with stress, so hopefully these songs get you through whatever journey you are in this roller coaster.

Songs for the 5 Stages of Breakup Grief For Men

1. Denial. The first stage of grief. We don’t want to come to terms with reality because reality is hard to face. Or we don’t want to believe facts because we’ve invested so much into these feelings, peoples and ideas that we aren’t willing to put the minute details onto a bigger picture. It’s the undying optimist in all of us.

M. Winans- I Don’t Want To Know. Suspicions, suspicions. Keep it on the D.L. Sweep it under the rug, because that solves all problems right?

“I don't wanna know/if you're playin' me, keep it on the low/Cause my heart can't take it anymore.”

Bonjovi- Lie to Me. Jon Bon Jovi invested everything on this chick, and he didn’t want to admit it his whole world was false.

“If you don't love me, lie to me/'Cause baby you're the one thing I believe…”

B. Marley- Waiting In Vain. When Tuff Gong wrote this song, the book “She’s Just Not That Into You” has not come out yet. Friendzone wasn’t popular yet. He’s torn between not wanting to wait for scraps, but he’s just that patient.

“It's been three years since I'm knockin' on your door,/And I still can knock some more:

Ooh girl, ooh girl, is it feasible?/I wanna know now, for I to knock some more.”

Hootie and Blowfish- Let Her Cry. Darius writes a song about his past relationship but swap the role, instead of him being dumped by choosing self-destructive and selfish paths, he wrote it from the point of view of the long suffering fella who finally had enough.

“Saying maybe I’ll be back some day/I wanted to look for you

You walked in I didn’t know just what to do/so I sat back down had a beer and felt sorry for myself.”

S. Cook- Nothing Can Change This Love For You. Now some Sam is the king of old school RnB, I got nothing on the man. However this song is about how stubborn some people are about break ups. He clings on the idea that this person is irreplaceable and that when she comes back she’ll pick right back up? Let’s get real. But let’s give him credit for determination.

“Make me weep/And you can make me cry

See me coming/And you can pass me by

But honey, nothing, nothing can ever change this love I have for you.”

2. Anger. After finally seeing things for what they are, one of the first things that may come is anger. The pang of truth resonates to the core and wants vengeance and or reciprocation...even if they are just a few words thrown in spite. As a man, nothing hurts more than a blast to your ego so a lot of times we lash back with extreme violence.

Cee Lo Green- Fuck You. Cee Lo telling the world how he feels when a gold-digger left him for greener pastures. This is what he feels when he sees her and her new guy around town.

“And although there's pain in my chest/I still wish you the best/with a...’FUCK YOU!’”

Eamon- Fuck It, I Don’t Want You Back. So finally figured out she was giving him head and how much he really hates being stabbed in the back. This is him regretting and recanting all the things he did to show his love for her.

“Now it's, over, but I do admit I'm sad/It hurts real bad, I can't sweat that, cause I loved a hoe.”

Blink182- Dammit. This mid-90’s teen punk shows angst about the cycle of loving and breaking up like most young folks/punks do and maturing with repetition along the way.

“But everybody's gone/And I've been here for too long

To face this on my own/Well I guess this is growing up.”

Eminem- Kim. Like many of Marshall’s songs this is about his real life emotionally charged relationships. Most of his songs that are intensely dramatic, weirdly enough, are about women: his ex wife, his mother and his daughter. 'Kim' is a song about his estranged wife. The ‘song’ is pretty much Eminem doing a one-man skit about a fight that that ends with him murdering her and ridding her body. To sum it up: if I can’t have you, no one will. If you hadn’t thought Eminem have mental problems already, this is the song that will convince you. If you're homicidal this is the song for you.

“So long, bitch you did me so wrong/I don't wanna go on, living in this world without you.”

3. Bargaining. Maybe you’re still mad but you still think with the last vestiges of hope that you could do something about it. To change the course of this avalanche of events that are out of your hands. Regret and wishing for a time machine is a common theme. If becomes word of the day. You concoct grand elaborate plans in your head that you know are forlorn hope, but construct them anyway. Sometimes you may blame yourself and even start to ask for forgiveness…anything to change your luck.

Bruno Mars- If I Was Your Man. Mr. Mars want to turn back the clock and do all the things he should’ve done when he had the opportunity to.

“Too young, too dumb to realize/That I should've bought you flowers/and held your hand/should’ve gave you all my hours/When I had the chance.”

J. Legend- This Time. Johnny boy figured out afterwards that, dammit, now he really wants to commit. He’s asking for a retest.

“Last time I wasn't sure/This time I will give you more/I'm more than sure/I'll show you

Last time I didn't know/I messed up when I let you go/I need you don't say no.”

A. Hamilton- Charlene. My favorite modern soul RnB singer acknowledged that sometimes love and dreams don’t always come together as planned. He is reminded that the reason why he goes out to make that money is because of the people that wait for him at the end of the shift. Now he’s blaming himself for not seeing the signs in hindsight.

“She needs someone at night that she can hold/She must have told me a thousand times before/

Silent cries I use to ignore/God knows I love her/didn’t mean to hurt her.”

Coldplay- The Scientist. The band’s most popular song urge feelings of wishing to go back in time and correct the predicament of their parting. The title relates to the lyrics of wanting to find out the reasons and causes of these events so he can undo it. Sadly there are no time machines and he is no scientist.

“I was just guessing at numbers and figures/Pulling your puzzles apart

Questions of science; science and progress/Do not speak as loud as my heart.”

B. Manilow- Mandy. Barry has accidentally let go of Mandy and now he can’t help feeling of utmost regret. The selfless girl came without taking, yet he sent her packing anyway. Barry thinks calling out her name over and over will cause her to come back for some reason.

“I never realized/How happy you made me, oh Mandy

Well you came and you gave without taking/And I sent you away, oh Mandy

And you kissed me and stopped me from shaking/And I need you today, oh Mandy.”

4. Depression. So now you’ve accepted fully that you can’t make a U-turn and it’s too late, so you just dwell on sadness because that’s the stinging feeling of losing something you would like to have. Sometimes all the stages run through in a dizzying fury all in quick succession, but you realize in the end, this is where your gas tank gets you at the end of the day and nowhere else.

Kid Cudi. All Along. The song is about the symptoms of what clinically depress people do: stop caring, stop cleaning, low self-esteem, and believe that they deserved to be alone. Kid Cudi’s ego started as a lion and ended up in the gutter.

“When the months change so do my love point of views

I don't want what I need, what I need hates me/what I need hates me.”

UB40 (version)- Red, Red Wine. So Neil Diamond originally wrote this song, in appreciation of how he became friends with something that make him forget, even if it’s just temporarily, how crappy it is being dumped.

“I'd have thought/That with time

Thoughts of her/would leave my head

I was wrong/and I find just one thing makes me forget”

Lynyrd Skynyrd- Tuesday’s Gone. No one ever thought that losing the crappiest day of the week would be such a void. But Tuesday is a metaphor for losing something that’s been a part of one’s life but one may or may not have realized.

“Tuesday's gone with the wind. My woman's gone with the wind.”

Jay-Z-Song Cry. Men can’t and won’t accept crying over spilled milk at least in public. Even more so wouldn’t Alpha males. Jay-Z wants us to think he’s that badass. He’s sad over the ending of a marriage, but he’s so tough only Chuck Norris could make tears come out his eye and the next more probable thing that he could do is make a song cry.

“I can't see 'em coming down my eyes/So I gotta make the song cry.”

Frankie J.-How To Deal. Frankie is between a rock and hard place: career or woman. His choice got him depressed and thinking whether his pick is the right one.

“It's something that I had to do/But nobody said that it would hurt so bad/So how do I live...how do I deal without you.”

5. Acceptance. It’s the last stage of grieving. This is where one fully acknowledges the end and despite having perhaps still hard feelings, is starting to heal and bury where things need to buried and move on.

E. Clapton- Promises. Probably one of the lesser known song of one of the best guitar player in the world (and featuring one of the lesser known greats, Marcella Levy), Clapton talks about one of his earlier marriages where he accepted that their vows are over and that’s just how it goes.

“I got a problem can you relate/I got a woman callin' love hate

We made a vow we'd always be friends/how could we know that promises end.”

Eagles- Best of My Love. One of the soft melodic from the 80’s you would expect from these classic rockers. Song’s about accepting a long and tiring process that though may not have gone their way concede that love is love even if it’s not wrapped in a relationship. It’s about giving it your best.

“You see it your way, I see it my way. /We both see it slippin’ away.

You know we always had each other baby/I guess that wasn't enough

Oh, but here in my heart/I give you the best of my love/Oh, sweet darlin'…”

Guns N’ Roses- Estranged. Heavily riffed, but not as hard as most of their songs. Song of accepting the estrangement of someone he hold as everything and knowing he must move on despite how hard it would be.

“I'll never find anyone to replace you/ Guess I'll have to make it thru, this time.

 Oh this time/without you.”

Kings of Convenience (Royskopp Remix). I Don’t Know Where I Can Save You From. So she left him years ago, she comes back lonely and wanting him to save her from her predicament. Pretty much told her, b!tch you left a long time ago, I don’t know what you expect from me. Smart man: don’t tolerate boomerang effect. If it shat on you on the way out, don’t expect it to comeback clean. Epitome of what I think about second chances.

“I realized that the one you were before,/had changed into somebody for whom

I wouldn't mind to put the kettle on./Still I don't know what I can save you from.”

Bon Iver- Beth/Rest. I love Bon Iver, solo or as a band (and it takes a manly man to accept that in public). The lyrics nor the titles make no goddamned sense (ever, or at least on the 2^nd album), but I’m left to believe this song from, patchy lyrics, is 80’s throwback to finally creating a joy of the separation of two people. I didn’t smoke weed, so if you did, you may have gotten the lyrics better than I.

“Aren't we married?! I ain't living in the dark no more

it's not a promise, I'm just gonna call it heavy mitted love

our love is a star/sure some hazardry

for the light before and after most indefinitely/danger has been stole away”

Cavo- Let It Go. A repetitive song of a man persuading himself to do the right thing: let it go. Let’s follow their advice.

“Fade it out into the light/All these years we never get it right/I need to let it go.”

  It’s good to laugh at our sad moments in life, so the next time you feel stupid going through it, you can always say in the future “I’d be laughing at myself about this someday…” And you will be. It sucks having withdrawals about your ex, but hey times like these set you up for a better relationships. If you learn from your mistakes. If you’re going through it now, good luck and someday you’ll be so embarrassed how sappy you were on this day. All we can do it is live our lives and enjoy the music. Aloha and hana hou!

I love you long time,

McLovin’ out.

Relevant tunes:

G. Isaacs- If I Don’t Have You

P. Segel- Dracula’s Lament (From Forgetting Sarah Marshall)

Queen Liliuokalani- Aloha O’e

J. Johnson- Better Together

K. West- Heartless

Things There Should Be More of In...#1

Things There Should Be More of In...#1
03 Marzo 2014 1400

...Airports

"If you don't have a doctor go to the airport---you'll get a free x-ray and a breast exam, and if you mention al-Qaeda, a free colonoscopy." Anon.

1.  Barbershops. And not just people who cut hair, but good old barbershops. Where you get hot towel straight razor facial shave, facial hair trimming, and real manlier haircuts. I don't mind getting my hair cut at regular hairdressers, I mean for the last ten years I've been getting 2 min buzzcuts from cheap military services, however to get real treatment from places that actually know what you want and take their time to do so is so rare even outside of airports. I haven't even seen a hairstylist in any airport I've been on, let alone a barber. But wouldn't it be amazing? Imagine you getting off the plane to see your loved ones (esp. if it's "the" loved one/her *wink wink*) and not having to worry about how you look. Whether meetings or job interviews, of course you'd care how you appear. People like me that get five o'clock shadows even after shaving in the morning how bad do you think I look like when I get off the plane, most especially after a long flight? Let's just say my mug shots look a lot better. Not having to worry about how you look when you are greeted in the arrival section would be a luxury.

2.  Sleep pods. Ever missed your flight or had to reschedule at a later time? I have. You have a choice to find a room or sleep on the terminals. Neither are good options. Finding a hotel room means you have to walk out of security zone which means you have to get prodded and raped by TSA...yet AGAIN. And if the layover is only half to two hours, it's not really smart or worth it to do so just to get some shuteye. How about sleeping on the terminal? I have slept in terminals before, once overnight, and I tell you it's only seconded by riding a long distance Greyhound bus tour on how sucky it is. Plus it isn't safe. Your stuff is laying about which strangers around you could either steal or mess with. Sleeping out in public opens you to a lot of unwanted attention, vulnerability, and scrutiny. Not to mention that it's uncomfortable. In Japan there are small rentals in big cities, which are nothing but  glorified sleeping bags. They're these elongated spaces big enough to fit an average person (and some), stacked high called "capsule hotels". Imagine if morgue body drawers and dog travel cages had a baby. You can rent them for cheap and for a few hours. There's also an accommodating area where you could lock your bags. That's genius isn't it? You get to sleep in a comfortable and private environment without the inconvenience of expensive pricing, travel outside of airport and most of all for a short stay. It'd be even better if they had a. alarm setter b. TV/radio c. cleaning station for those who are germophobes d. individually sealed bedding (to ensure people are using clean blankets and pillows) which comes with the rental but if you wanted more extra pillows you can pay for extra etc. Why can't we have those in airports? Now there are small sleeping pods in terminals, similar to those you can find at malls and downtown areas where they resemble rent-able massage chairs with an overhead enclosure like tanning booths to ensure privacy. These, however, are very few in comparison to the amount of tired, sleepy, irritated travelers that go through the airports on a daily basis.

3. Terminal space. You ever almost got ran over by those golf carts used by TSA to carry old, handicapped or obese people that can't walk to different concourses? Man there's hardly any space on those terminals during busy flight hours. Americans aren't getting any smaller either, how many do you think you can fit width-wise in those hallways? If not close death from golf carts, you're like neck to neck walking on terminal/concourse corridors like a school of fish when more than one flight come out of a terminal at the same time. And those moving walkways? Packed by lazy people (many of whom should really be walking to begin with!) And let's not even talk about the actual terminal waiting areas. The seating on those are so crammed when several flights are scheduled in tight time proximity, you're really breathing the person next to you's breath...and you're not even inside the plane yet. I haven't even addressed the multitudes of kids running amok with respiratory pathogens and bodily fluids seeping out of their orifices. No wonder people get sick in airports. Esp. now at the risk of extremely virulent diseases like SARS and avian flu? It's a scary thought.

4.  TSA officers and check in lines. Pre-9/11, although I haven't traveled much before then, as far as I can remember inspection lines were a lot faster and smoother. Granted it's safer today (although some may argue...), the travel time and hassle are just over the roof nowadays. Makes you wanna be a terrorist for reals. I mean I missed a flight being slightly less than one and half hour pre-boarding. I've seen surgeries go by faster! Ever been in the airport during the middle of flying hours? It's worse than some rush hour traffic I've been unfortunate to be on over the years. You're carted off like pigs to slaughter: rounded up into lines of small moving enclosures, told to strip and then verified and tagged. And that's only if things went smoothly. Imagine missing to take out that one penny out of your pocket, you'd ring when you cross those metal detectors. They expect you to be half naked (holding your pants up because you took off your belt or because you didn't wear a belt to begin with so as not to have to take it off, while your other arm is holding your belt, wallet, carry on, and shoes) while holding out two or three ID's (your ticket and your drivers' license or passport)...the hell do they think you are? Juggling circus clown? Once again on those metal detectors, say I beep or the guy in front you beep, now what? If you answered longer waiting line you are correct. If you beep they'll cart you off to some secluded area and get a private search. And not the good kind like in exotic clubs (*wink wink*) you pay for either. And how about ticket checkouts? If you're smart enough to get an E-ticket or you're one of those ballers what have platinum-gold (you're that "elite" that they melted two precious metals for just to make your personalized card) members (Ooohhh!!!) where you get a special line with self checkout, you pretty much are going to wait in line to check in your bags and get your ticket. What if there's a problem with the flight? You ever seen those lines in terminals with people already buck crazy because their flights were cancelled or delayed? I saw a grandma wearing those ugly Christmas knitted sweaters with reindeers broke down on those podiums crying and cursing demons because she was gonna miss her grandkids' Xmas recitals because her flight was delayed. I could honestly say that only the courtesy desk aka return your product to Walmart lines are worse. It's a nightmare doing holidays. Wake up TSA and airlines, hire more people.

5.  Washroom attendants. Why the hell do you find bathroom attendants in bars, night clubs, strip clubs and swanky restaurants? The people that would actually appreciate those kinda services would be travelers who are tired, in transit, and are probably missing toiletries. When people go to clubs and such they go there usually prepared, and stay there for a short time. I could see how drunk could appreciate help in bathrooms, but where these people could actually blossom are airports with designated grooming stations. You know places where you can shave, wash your face, change, fix your hair and brush your teeth. I would definitely pay or tip for a warm towel, toiletries, dab of cologne and decent space to wipe dried eye bogeys.

6.  Healthy restaurants. Let's see most airports have the same crap: McD's, BK, Cinnabons, Panda Express, Chilis (or variants thereof), to-go coffee places ala Starbucks derivative and fast food Mexican joints like Que Bueno. As if traveling already doesn't make you unhealthy because you don't care much while in transit (you eat what you can and because you're stressed and tired from traveling you pick comfort foods with little thought of what stuff and how much you're gorging). There are better non-fast food and non-chain joints, but even there the food aren't the healthiest. Mostly why I even bother to go there is usually because they have a TV and a bar. And you may ask about Subway and other sandwich places, well frankly they're stale, boring and really are no better than fast-food. Have you seen the new crap they serve? How could you call yourself a health food joint when you sell sandwiches with Fritos in them? Damn. I don't remember seeing one recently but one chain fast-food I'd settle for in airports would be Chipotle. In general though wouldn't it be great if there were better food options for travelers who want to eat better? Airports should be have healthier and more conscious choices of chow.

7.  Free wi-fi. Now public wifi isn't the best internet access. It's actually pretty unsafe, but if I'm just playing games with my Ipad while waiting for my flight or if a mother is streaming Disney movies, so her kids wouldn't run around, on Netflix or Hulu with her computer, why not? Most people in terminals are ticketed passengers (which means they already paid for ticket/flight and not some random leecher hanging out for free access) anyhow. I know you can pay for internet in cafes and stations here and there, but really it should be free. Just like two check-in bags.

8.  Gyms. Now I thought about spas and saunas in airports for a sec, then I figured it's a stupid idea. They take a lot of space for little value. If I wanted a spa I'd really would wait when I'm out of the airport and saunas are pretty dirty esp. when you have tons of strangers from different parts of the world using it. But gyms though would be fantastic. Flight delayed for a few hours? If there was a 24 Hr. Fitness bet your sweet buns I'd be in there most esp. since I already own a membership. No membership? I mean who the hell would if it's a solitary brand found in that airport only. Well why not one time passes? There are so many corner gyms (by that I mean, small shops with treadmills, ellipticals and stair climbers crammed against the window where anyone can see you) with many attendees, it shows how much a small cramped space could earn tons of $$$. And the most important part of course is it support and advertise healthy living. Couple that with shower stations, hell yeah you'd be making beau-coup money (because people would pay to shower in airports).

9.  Parking. Every time I'm flying I literally have to plan this sh!t. Best real option are the shuttles that you make a schedule with to pick you up. One day crossing fingers we won't hafta worry about finding parking or finding parking that's not gonna blow our wallets.

10.  Considerate people. Yes, I blame myself as well because I'm a doucher at times. First of all people, quit whining. We all should understand why they do what they do. Secondly, always prep for the worst. If you're flight is cutting it, it's probably cutting it. Don't blame everyone else or the pilot if your arrival time is only 15 mins. away from whatever super important event you need to be in. Everyone else is not slow; you're just retarded. If it was that important to you, you'd have scheduled your flight hours and days before it and arrived at the recommended two hours prior to boarding. Thirdly, know that they, like yourself, are working folks. I hardly think that most people that work in airports woke up that day thinking that they will go to work to screw people over. If you have been accused by others at work like that, you ought to know how it feels when customers take it personally when it really wasn't. Don't blame the poor terminal lady for something she has no control over (unless she's Storm from X-men or Jesus, she probably can't stop the heavy snow from cancelling your flight). Sh!t happens and you're not the only one in that airport that's having a crappy day. Save the atomic meltdown some other time.

Aloha and have a safe flight,

McLovin' out.

Relevant tunes:

Iron Maiden- Flight of Icarus
K. Loggins- Danger Zone
Peter, Paul, and Mary- Leaving On A Jet Plane
D. Bowie- Space Oddity
Far East Movement- Like A G6