I Know We’re Cool
2013 30 Diciembre 2030
“I hold it true,
whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I
sorrow most;
'Tis better to have
loved and lost
Than never to have
loved at all.”
In Memoriam AHH, Lord Tennyson
So
here we are again the beginning of a new year. Looking back it was a year full good
times, bad times, and everything else in between. Every year end I think of
things of what I could’ve done better and reflect on everything else I did not. I’ve
a lot of things on my mind. My physical endeavors. My future career endeavors
and going back for my post-graduate education. Love life. Sex life. ..which I
could expound and enrich more this new year. Ridding of little habits, like swearing. Like realizing the urge to travel more. Like saving money. Like calling my mother and letting her
know I’m still alive. More often. Or actually having a deeper relationship with my parents
by listening to them more. Like things I’m starting to really prioritize as I
approach my thirties like my pension and retirement. Fortunately for you
readers, I’m not going to list it all.
But
there’s one thing that occupied my mind this week as I approached the new year.
It was caused by this reflective tradition and a simple quirk at work. I am
doing a different job for now and it requires me to get a security clearance.
All military personnel before enlisting have gotten a background check, but in
order for one to do many things including accessing sensitive data, one has to have a security clearance. So in order for me to get Top Secret access, I
needed to dig up the last ten years of my life. List my addresses and people
that knew me. Then some guy investigates to make sure I’m not a snitch or a
terrorist and wreak havoc with classified information.
I
hated this process to tell you the truth. It’s a pain in rear. I burned a lot
of bridges and lost contacts over the years. And since my college days were
just around that corner, I had lived in more than half a dozen addresses, so
you can assume it’s like a nightmare finding EXACT dates and addresses and
contact info, and alot of calling, texting, internet searching to get
permission from old buddies, acquaintances, roommates, land lords. People that haven’t talked to in years and
people I don’t think remember me anymore.
So I
had to dig up my old files. One of these caches is my old binder chuck full of random
mail, important documents, and trinkets from events past. My self-diagnosed ADHD
was overloaded seeing all these things, like when your internet crash when you’re
downloading a gazillion of porn files. Kidding. One thing that caught my eye and the
reason I’m writing this and probably what I dreaded the most: my old flame’s
memories. She was the only one I could have put on as a contact on an address we lived in
together for two years.
Now
I’m not trying to be sentimental, but if you were in my shoes you’d agree that
the prospect of contacting an ex you haven’t seen or talked to in forever also a
sordid and awkward experience. I think we both had our share of negative
sentiments towards the end of our relationship, which for the most part was
great and lengthy. We’d been together all our college days, through good
times and bad, boring and fun, gross and exalted moments. She was my best
friend, and I was hers. At one point, we both thought we were Bonnie and Clyde.
Yeah laugh all you want; we were young kids. But the end was just fairly
horrific, we were not the same lovers as 4 years prior and definitely many of
days in the latter part of our relationship were filled with a lot of
unhappiness. Our feelings competed with a lot of thought and time to trying to graduate, work and
expecting the future. Her eyes were set on settling down; mine was on a career. She
was very disappointed when I chose the latter. Eventually she found someone and
a place which I agree she deserved. Someone that will love her more than I
could and give her those little baby shoes that made her eyes glisten. And
let’s just say I’ll swallow my pride just for you readers and admit that I had
never shed a tear my entire life aside from when she left me for another man. I
still loved her very much and despite my choice, it pained me to see hers. We
said our goodbyes; we left very civilly although with a few very tense and
emotional moments and had not seen her again. Went on with my life.
So to
disappoint you, no I was not able to contact her. There’s no happy reunion or
even hey what’s up. All her contacts that I had were gone; those I had she had
changed in five years. Sorry to the wrong number I texted. Maybe someday we’d
meet again, or maybe not…although I’d been very surprised by this world and how
small it is.
This
whole experience brought me to mind the very same new year reflection however.
And this is what I’m writing about. Within the contents of the vault I’ve
reread few letters, some notes, tiny pictures I thought I’ve destroyed, and
trinkets that brought me good memories and I got an idea of a reflection for
this coming year. So without further a due the following is the list of what
I’ve learned about relationship (romantic or otherwise) over the last ten years
and what I plan to resolve this upcoming year.
1. Appreciation
Once a friend of mine said “When you get as old as I
am, you’ll understand why I put more time in my relationship. Remember this if
you don’t remember anything else: say
thank you more often.” As a young buck, at 19, I didn’t understand then. Now,
approaching 30, I do. Appreciation goes a long way. It really does. Just
imagine how you felt when your boss gave you a little note or card saying how
he noticed you’ve worked so hard. The little medals and awards I wrote and
submitted for my soldiers, I saw how much of that, despite it not mattering in
terms of money or worldly gain, make them proud and felt important. It may
sound vain (why do people need to be reminded of something they do?) but in
reality it’s not just ‘actualizing’ the actions into words and emotion they can
use to be proud of. Gratitude is the human connection/s that we are all
wanting from each other; to know that someone took something for keeps and not as a given. You’re
telling them that what they’ve done for you, which is forgettable over time, have a deeper
impact. Show that they and what they do are important. When your love ones do
something for you, make sure they know that you think it’s important to you.
Sometimes it’s hard to reciprocate with the same actions---fair enough; debt of
gratitude is hard to repay. But it should be at least with words.
This past year I can’t tell you many times I’ve taken
many things for granted. That’s part of my resolution, to appreciate what
people do for me. Sometimes I get wrapped up on things and forget to take a
second to appreciate what I have. And to also send the sentiments back to the
people that make my life worthwhile by simply saying: you’re appreciated. May it
be my mother who always have my back, or my neighbor who despite her
quirks have helped me over the years. A little thank you goes a long way. If
you have a significant other, make sure she knows she’s very important, much
more than material things in life, much more than your career, and much more
than things you don’t have.
2. Make time and effort
Time is gold they say, and that’s why it’s an
expensive commodity. However, it should never be more important than people.
Making time and effort feeds off appreciation: that we’re willing to sacrifice
a bit of ours for someone else's sake. Taking an extra second to say something back,
taking a second to communicate, taking a second to do better for those around
you, also goes a long way. Sometimes it may take two seconds of smiling and making
sure she knows you’re happy. Or it could be two hours waiting for her shopping.
It could be two minutes to write a note and post it on her keyboard to remind
her that new dress make her very attractive, or two days to take her road
tripping just like you use to in the old days. Time is the best gift you could
give someone.
Effort also goes with time. It takes time to give
effort. Everything costs toil, true. But it’s the finer details, the extra
effort, that really paint the devilish details. Effort could be making time,
effort could be working out to look good, and effort could also be doing
research about the things she likes. Sometimes we can’t be all that, but what
we have to make sure is they know we’ve added just a tiny bit more for them. And
with that I’ll agree: every little thing counts. This new year, I plan to make
sure to go further for the people that matter to me. It takes two seconds to
say hi with text, ain’t nothing but a drop of sand. But that sentiment counts
for more than we’ll ever know.
3. Meet them halfway
There are times when you should be selfish. There are
also times when you shouldn’t. One has to know when and how to balance it. I
find relationships that are one-sided martyrdoms ridiculous, because you have
to find value in yourself before you can reciprocate it to others. There has to be some selfishness, eg the
drive to find your own friends, your own hobbies, and your own physical retreat
to find happiness in your life. When you’re happy, you are able to use that
state to create happiness in others.
But one thing you have to do a lot is compromise.
Relationships are two way streets. You cannot expect everyone else to give, and
give, and give, without sending some back their way. When you take, you have to
give; the balance could be anywhere. You may take more now, and give a little. You
may repay in kind by giving more later but taking in less. Whatever you decide,
understand that that decision has to be done by both sides. I can’t fully understand
when my friends say “It’s different now I have a family” because I don’t have
one. But I think I can see where they’re coming from. You cannot make decisions
where the results are not a viable option on the opposite end. There are no
absolute surrenders in a happy relationship. When you make it a zero sum game,
when they have no options they will not stick around unless they’re suicidal,
martyrs, or those that revel in unhappiness.
It may take a lot more effort to find a sweet spot in
the middle, where both of you are comfortable with sacrifices on the table, but
one side cannot take all. If you take it all, it will leave the opposite end
very unhappy and without an option they will renege on that setup. Yes over the
years I’ve been a tough act, but I need to understand why it’s important to
step on others' shoes. Only then can I see where and how I can find a healthy
compromise.
4. Have some courage
Courage I once read is not the absence of fear, but
what you do with it. In terms of relationships, you have to grow some cojones
to do some things you don’t want to do. Whether it’s telling her the truth, she
does look a bit fat in that dress, or biting your social anxiety when she wants
to go dancing in front of a crowd. There are a lot of things we will be
uncomfortable of but there are times when you have to swallow pain, fear,
pride, dignity etc. to find that sweet spot I talked to above. As a male I can
understand why and when we REFUSE to lose. Sometimes you have to let her win.
It’s the courage to swallow your insecurities. Sometimes silly arguments ARE
NOT worth winning. Sometimes when you’re a good ole boy it’s hard to show your ‘soft’
side for fear of people noticing you, or just an irrational fear all men have
that come from our id.
We resort to cowardice because it’s the
easier “solution”. This is the opposite of what I listed above: sometimes we
have to let them lose. I know of a couple who let each other gorge themselves
with drugs because both are unable to stand up and make the other understand a
little tough love. It’s more convenient not to rock the boat, to go with the
flow even if you know it’s bad. The long term effects of easy fixes are
irreversible. It’s easy to fall in lull and as human beings since most of us dislike
chaos and conflict. Times will come, and they do come, where you have to stand
up for yourself and for those you care about.
5. Don’t ever be someone else you’re not
I’m a pragmatist. I believe and learned that not all
lies are bad. And yes there are ‘amazing things that come out of terrible lies.’
(Lyrics quote!) But understand that MOST times lies result in bad things. You
cannot be someone else in a relationship. Why? You may get away with wanting to
be someone else but it will catch up to you. I can pretend I’m happy, but
sooner or later I won’t be able to take it. If you lie to get a girl for
example, she may like you for who you’re not, but eventually either she’ll find
out or you’ll find out that your pretense make you unhappy because she's in love with someone else; that someone else you're playing charades as. You
may win for a short while, but the end result in the long run isn’t good.
Also we ought to think about things we concoct and
evaluate if these are things we really want to be. When I was younger I use to
think that there are times that I should be an asshole for the sake of being an
asshole, because I equated draconian principles of control with love. We have
to evaluate these ‘values’ we use to see if they make sense or even if they are
good for us or if that’s even what we want or reflect ourselves to be.
There are times one wishes to be tough, because the media make us want to be ("cool"), sometimes we want to be manly because our friends think we should be
manlier, whatever that means. And the result of this is we pretend to like to
do things even if it hurts or have negative results for those we care about the
most. When we get wiser, we’ll find out that it’s NOT worth it to sacrifice
those we can’t live without for a fist bump of those we’d rather not have
around. I love my friends (I have few and close ones), but the fact that we have to call our loved ones "hoes", these "bros" ain't worth it if that's their principle. Trust me, people that are worth having around don’t pressure you to be
someone else to others they know are important to you. Priorities.
To be continued…
