Clusterfunk

Clusterfunk
19 Marzo 2014 1700

"Vulgarity is like a fine wine: it should only be uncorked on a special occasion, and then only shared with the right group of people." J. Rozoff

Being a joe isn't necessarily the most praise worthy job out there. Despite the nobility of what government service is or maybe, there always are people who think that being a service member meant you're a dependent  of government dough or that you have such a lowly job because you're not too bright. I personally don't care, I'll never change minds; military life and culture is always unique to me and that's all that matters. Going back to perceptions,  first thing people notice when you're not intelligent or perceive you as not too intelligent is your language. I guess whether you are or not, there is a tendency for people to judge your linguistic skills based on your IQ. Word craft, at least initially, is often attributed to how well developed your mind maybe. Military speech, nor culture in general, has never been considered refined by any stretch. Either because of the history of the job, or the simple the reality that military language was never meant for finesse. Military ways had always been engineered with a purpose and at least, with greatest intent, for efficiency (I say intent because a lot of things in the military aren't efficient at all). Short, sweet, and to the point. The language is created for the lowest common denominator (and some just to make sure) and and poised to be direct (in order to avoid confusion and shorten observation time)
  I find vocabulary we use interesting and worth sharing for those who may want to know or simply have no exposure to 'military speak'. If we look at history, military lingo had often been the carrier of new languages and terms. Many Romance languages and words today (ie Latin-based language such as French, Spanish, Portuguese) are heavily influenced by military-terms and word usage once proliferated by Roman soldiers as they fought across the world. Example are the words 'caballo' 'cavalry' 'chevalier' all has roots to caballus, a Vulgar (colloquial, simple, common tongue spoken by the masses especially soldiers) Latin for horse. It's different from traditional and literary (official and proper) Latin word for horse, equus, where the word equestrian comes from. The term itself might have been borrowed from a Celtic origin, since many Celts were employed by Romans as cavalryman to support their military campaigns. Note that the root word of this, and many other, words in many languages today came from 'common' speak, often considered 'lowly' initially. 
  There are many terms crossing over to mainstream language today and also to the vocabularies of locals where lands are campaigned on by the military. Being of Filipino descent, I can attest that the term 'boondocks' probably came from US soldiers borrowing the Tagalog word for mountain, where in early years of the war and occupation many fighters might have fled towards to continue guerrilla warfare. At first such words maybe considered isolated (only use by the military) or at best colloquial (slang), but over time these words, just like many Romantic words in the past, become legitimized and mainstream. Besides words being brought back, there are terms also being supplied to the other such as the many American slangs used in the Philippines. American English spoken by young, working class American servicemen and women proliferates all over the world where US troops are stationed. The military has a plethora of terms created and use for many specific functions. I can't speak for other services but this post is about favorite terms, words and phrases that I learned through my  years of service in the Army.

1. Blue Falcon- n. Hollywood (non-NATO standard phonetic) call signifier that stands for the letters b (bravo) and f (foxtrot)---thus aka bravo fox. Blue falcon is another term for “buddy fcker”, which is a slang meaning someone who ‘screws over’ his friend, his ally, or anyone that should be on the same side of the fight as he/she. Blue falcon can also mean ‘selfish’. In a community where team building and team work is important, someone who acts for selfish gains which usually results to something negative for someone else in uniform is said to be a blue falcon.

Other: blue falcon-ed, -ing (v., trans v.), -ish (adj.), -s (pl. n.)

Use: “I watched over sensitive items and gave my gunner twenty bucks so at least one of us can enjoy lunch away from the barracks. He used my money, took his time eating, didn’t buy me any chow and told me 'tough luck' upon return. He is a blue falcon and will get his just desserts sooner or later.”

2. Soup-sandwich- n. something that is ‘ate-up’ which itself is a slang word meaning ‘something terribly messy’ ‘broken’ 'terribly uncoordinated' 'in disarray' etc. One of the many food terminologies in the Army/military that describes something that is unsatisfactory. Conveys feeling of being chewed, swallowed and spat out. Etymology: "You can't make a soup out of a sandwich nor a sandwich out of soup" from old platoon sergeant. Archaic: FUBAR. A polite version of ‘clusterfck.’ Best followed by the phrase: "tore up from the floor up" ('state of disrepair from head to toe' or 'completely wrong in every angle')

Other: soup-sandwhich-y (adj.)

Use: “Our new lieutenant is a nice gal, but at 0630 she’s a soup-sandwich. Her hair is unkempt, PT shorts are backwards, PT belt is missing, socks are not in regulation and garbles commands as if she's an intoxicated Mary Poppins.”

3. Handjam- v. to write manually.

Other: handjam-med, -ming (v., trans v.)

“The printer ran out of ink and the supply NCO is away for TDY…I had to do my request the old fashioned way by handjamming the letter.”

4. Sham-shield- n. the act of hiding behind one's inferior rank to appear innocent or incompetent. Often used with the intent to pass over punishment or obligation. Usually used specifically and specially (pun unintended) for the rank of Specialist/E4. Etymology: sham (charade) + shield (barrier). The rank of E4 is the highest rank and pay in the junior enlisted ranks. They are given generally more privilege than privates without the expected obligations of NCO's (corporals and up). The term is derived form the rank insignia's shield-like shape.

Other: shamshield-ed, ing (v., trans v.), -s (pl.)

Use: "The two medics in charge of checking the water buffalo for drinkability successfully used their sham shields after they got reprimanded for pouring too much bleach in the water that it washed off the Colonel's new uniform."

5. Civvy n. a. a civilian. b. civilian clothing or non-duty wear/clothes.

Other: civvies (pl. n.)

Use: "Have you seen Sgt. Alvarez when she's in her civvies? Damn I couldn't tell who she was at first glance."

6. Charlie Mike-n., v. terminology that stands for NATO standard phonetics 'c' and 'm', which is the acronym for 'continue (the) mission.' In an institution that always puts fulfilling 'the mission' as the top priority, 'continuing' it is very important.

Other: Charlie mike-d (v.)

Use: "Road Y was heavily mined by the hajji's. Scouts are reconning alternate routes so that we can charlie mike."

7. FRAGO- n. short for 'fragmentary/-ation order' which are small changes in opord (operations order), or orders given after the initial opord to 'revise' the plan or details of the previous operations order. Generally means 'change of plan/s.' Also spelled fraggo, FRAG/O. Not to be confused with 'fragging' (to throw fragmentation grenades, use explosives).

Other: fraggo-ed (v., trans v.)

"The convoy commander fragoed the SP time 3 times in the last hour. Departure went from 08, to 0830 and lastly to 0930. What the hell is he thinking? We need to get the hell out of here ASAP."

8. Zero-dark, Zero-dark Thirty (in the morning) n. colloquial term for any time really early in the morning before sunlight/break of dawn. Etymology: from 24 hour military time (where for example one o'clock AM is called zero one hundred hours).

Other: oh dark thirty (n.)

"Our First Sergeant hates his wife dearly so he wakes us up at zero dark thirty, the earliest possible he can leave his house, to do some PT."

9. Woobie n. a poncho liner, an issued item used in the field similar to a blanket, found or issued with other cold/wet weather gear. Used in tandem for a poncho to create a small roof or a temporary shelter. Etymology: taken from American slang 'wubby' or a child's safety/comfort blanket.

Other: woobie-s (pl. n.)

Use: "After pulling out his woobie from the bottom of his duffel bag, the grunt was overjoyed. I heard him say 'Now it feels like the Four Seasons up in here' as he was setting up his hasty."

10. Fobbit- n. a soldier who's job or position allows him to mainly work inside a FOB/COB or 'behind/inside the wire' and rarely or never out the fence or the front line (patrols, convoys, ambush, QRF) usually a personnel with a 'desk job'. Archaic (pre-Iraqi Freedom): REMF (acronym: rear-echelon motherfcker). Etymology: FOB (forward observation base) + hobbit (JRR Tolkien's fictional creatures; mild mannered Halflings).

Other: Fobbit-s (pl. n.)

Use: "4th Platoon came back tired after 3 days in the bush, only to find out the Fobbits complaining about their morning's choppy internet access and cold coffee."

11. Klick- n. the length of one side of a military map's grid square or 1 km/.62 miles. Etymology: kilometer + click (a notch in compass for artillery targeting measurement, since as story goes term originated from measurement of targeting during 50's-60's or sometime around the Vietnam War---anecdotal evidence)

Other: klick-s (pl. n.)

Use: "We had a very memorable late afternoon workout carrying our casualty on a litter when our incompetent radio operator called MEDEVAC a klick west of our position."

12. Pop-smoke- v. the act of departing, usually with haste. Etymology: when hailing a helicopter for MEDEVAC or exfiltration, the protocol is to use 'signals' to notify aircrew where to land (LZ or landing zone) or mark where intended pick up or present location of those meaning to be evacuated. Since a smoke grenade is often used, the term is associated for being extricated or departing quickly. pop (to uncork, to let out, to pull out pin out of a grenade) + smoke (gas signal, smoke grenade)

Other: popp-ed smoke, -ing (v., trans v.)

Use: "Thank goodness we popped smoke out of there right after 2nd Batt guys went it. My roommate stayed and he's now getting an Article 15 for being involved in a fight that broke soon afterwards."

13. Bolo- v. to fail at a certain task. Etymology: from Filipino-American War when insurgents would use machetes (called bolos) to fight and at times kill US soldiers.

Other: bolo-ed, -ing (v., trans v.)

Use: "The chaplain's assistant drank too much the night before and boloed the PT test run which took place first thing the next morning."

14. NOGO- adj. having failed specific qualifications, being a failure at a certain task. Etymology: no (negative: do not, cannot, should not) + go (to advance). Also spelled: no-go, no go, NG.

Other: a nogo (n.), -es, s (pl. n.), nogo-ed (v.)

Use: "These two are no-gos, sir. The first has a profile after a leg accident, the latter one pissed hot on the drug test."

15. FNG-n. acronym for 'the fcking new guy'. Not pronounced with NATO or Hollywood phonetics, instead with regular English f, n, g. Synonymous with the following slang terms: noob, newbie or greenhorn. An amateur.

Other: FNG-s (pl. n.)

Use: "I was so mad because nothing was done correctly in my packet; I kept my cool only because I remembered I was once an FNG too."

Thanks for reading.

Love you long time,

McLovin' out.

Relevant tunes:

Bloodhound Gang- Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo
Iron Maiden- These Colors Don't Run
Rancid- Civilian Ways

Songs for the Seasons

Songs For The Seasons

14 Marzo 2014 1200

“On some nights I still believe that a car with the gas needle on empty can run about fifty more miles if you have the right music very loud on the radio.” H.S. Thompson

So I wrote this list a while ago when I broke up with someone. I wasn’t going to post it but I have nothing grilling in the back burner at the moment so…Obviously its updated to include newer stuff and wider genre. I just thought it’s interesting, but don’t want to make people think I just got dumped recently. 

A psychiatrist, Dr. Kubler-Ross popularized the phases of grieving in a model named after her. These 5 steps range from denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. Not all people go through the stages in order nor do they all go through some at all. The stages were originally written about how people dealt with death/dying, but pretty much applied with how people deal with any form of loss today. One kind of loss is that of relationship meltdown.

They say songs make you feel better as you cope with stress, so hopefully these songs get you through whatever journey you are in this roller coaster.

Songs for the 5 Stages of Breakup Grief For Men

1. Denial. The first stage of grief. We don’t want to come to terms with reality because reality is hard to face. Or we don’t want to believe facts because we’ve invested so much into these feelings, peoples and ideas that we aren’t willing to put the minute details onto a bigger picture. It’s the undying optimist in all of us.

M. Winans- I Don’t Want To Know. Suspicions, suspicions. Keep it on the D.L. Sweep it under the rug, because that solves all problems right?

“I don't wanna know/if you're playin' me, keep it on the low/Cause my heart can't take it anymore.”

Bonjovi- Lie to Me. Jon Bon Jovi invested everything on this chick, and he didn’t want to admit it his whole world was false.

“If you don't love me, lie to me/'Cause baby you're the one thing I believe…”

B. Marley- Waiting In Vain. When Tuff Gong wrote this song, the book “She’s Just Not That Into You” has not come out yet. Friendzone wasn’t popular yet. He’s torn between not wanting to wait for scraps, but he’s just that patient.

“It's been three years since I'm knockin' on your door,/And I still can knock some more:

Ooh girl, ooh girl, is it feasible?/I wanna know now, for I to knock some more.”

Hootie and Blowfish- Let Her Cry. Darius writes a song about his past relationship but swap the role, instead of him being dumped by choosing self-destructive and selfish paths, he wrote it from the point of view of the long suffering fella who finally had enough.

“Saying maybe I’ll be back some day/I wanted to look for you

You walked in I didn’t know just what to do/so I sat back down had a beer and felt sorry for myself.”

S. Cook- Nothing Can Change This Love For You. Now some Sam is the king of old school RnB, I got nothing on the man. However this song is about how stubborn some people are about break ups. He clings on the idea that this person is irreplaceable and that when she comes back she’ll pick right back up? Let’s get real. But let’s give him credit for determination.

“Make me weep/And you can make me cry

See me coming/And you can pass me by

But honey, nothing, nothing can ever change this love I have for you.”

2. Anger. After finally seeing things for what they are, one of the first things that may come is anger. The pang of truth resonates to the core and wants vengeance and or reciprocation...even if they are just a few words thrown in spite. As a man, nothing hurts more than a blast to your ego so a lot of times we lash back with extreme violence.

Cee Lo Green- Fuck You. Cee Lo telling the world how he feels when a gold-digger left him for greener pastures. This is what he feels when he sees her and her new guy around town.

“And although there's pain in my chest/I still wish you the best/with a...’FUCK YOU!’”

Eamon- Fuck It, I Don’t Want You Back. So finally figured out she was giving him head and how much he really hates being stabbed in the back. This is him regretting and recanting all the things he did to show his love for her.

“Now it's, over, but I do admit I'm sad/It hurts real bad, I can't sweat that, cause I loved a hoe.”

Blink182- Dammit. This mid-90’s teen punk shows angst about the cycle of loving and breaking up like most young folks/punks do and maturing with repetition along the way.

“But everybody's gone/And I've been here for too long

To face this on my own/Well I guess this is growing up.”

Eminem- Kim. Like many of Marshall’s songs this is about his real life emotionally charged relationships. Most of his songs that are intensely dramatic, weirdly enough, are about women: his ex wife, his mother and his daughter. 'Kim' is a song about his estranged wife. The ‘song’ is pretty much Eminem doing a one-man skit about a fight that that ends with him murdering her and ridding her body. To sum it up: if I can’t have you, no one will. If you hadn’t thought Eminem have mental problems already, this is the song that will convince you. If you're homicidal this is the song for you.

“So long, bitch you did me so wrong/I don't wanna go on, living in this world without you.”

3. Bargaining. Maybe you’re still mad but you still think with the last vestiges of hope that you could do something about it. To change the course of this avalanche of events that are out of your hands. Regret and wishing for a time machine is a common theme. If becomes word of the day. You concoct grand elaborate plans in your head that you know are forlorn hope, but construct them anyway. Sometimes you may blame yourself and even start to ask for forgiveness…anything to change your luck.

Bruno Mars- If I Was Your Man. Mr. Mars want to turn back the clock and do all the things he should’ve done when he had the opportunity to.

“Too young, too dumb to realize/That I should've bought you flowers/and held your hand/should’ve gave you all my hours/When I had the chance.”

J. Legend- This Time. Johnny boy figured out afterwards that, dammit, now he really wants to commit. He’s asking for a retest.

“Last time I wasn't sure/This time I will give you more/I'm more than sure/I'll show you

Last time I didn't know/I messed up when I let you go/I need you don't say no.”

A. Hamilton- Charlene. My favorite modern soul RnB singer acknowledged that sometimes love and dreams don’t always come together as planned. He is reminded that the reason why he goes out to make that money is because of the people that wait for him at the end of the shift. Now he’s blaming himself for not seeing the signs in hindsight.

“She needs someone at night that she can hold/She must have told me a thousand times before/

Silent cries I use to ignore/God knows I love her/didn’t mean to hurt her.”

Coldplay- The Scientist. The band’s most popular song urge feelings of wishing to go back in time and correct the predicament of their parting. The title relates to the lyrics of wanting to find out the reasons and causes of these events so he can undo it. Sadly there are no time machines and he is no scientist.

“I was just guessing at numbers and figures/Pulling your puzzles apart

Questions of science; science and progress/Do not speak as loud as my heart.”

B. Manilow- Mandy. Barry has accidentally let go of Mandy and now he can’t help feeling of utmost regret. The selfless girl came without taking, yet he sent her packing anyway. Barry thinks calling out her name over and over will cause her to come back for some reason.

“I never realized/How happy you made me, oh Mandy

Well you came and you gave without taking/And I sent you away, oh Mandy

And you kissed me and stopped me from shaking/And I need you today, oh Mandy.”

4. Depression. So now you’ve accepted fully that you can’t make a U-turn and it’s too late, so you just dwell on sadness because that’s the stinging feeling of losing something you would like to have. Sometimes all the stages run through in a dizzying fury all in quick succession, but you realize in the end, this is where your gas tank gets you at the end of the day and nowhere else.

Kid Cudi. All Along. The song is about the symptoms of what clinically depress people do: stop caring, stop cleaning, low self-esteem, and believe that they deserved to be alone. Kid Cudi’s ego started as a lion and ended up in the gutter.

“When the months change so do my love point of views

I don't want what I need, what I need hates me/what I need hates me.”

UB40 (version)- Red, Red Wine. So Neil Diamond originally wrote this song, in appreciation of how he became friends with something that make him forget, even if it’s just temporarily, how crappy it is being dumped.

“I'd have thought/That with time

Thoughts of her/would leave my head

I was wrong/and I find just one thing makes me forget”

Lynyrd Skynyrd- Tuesday’s Gone. No one ever thought that losing the crappiest day of the week would be such a void. But Tuesday is a metaphor for losing something that’s been a part of one’s life but one may or may not have realized.

“Tuesday's gone with the wind. My woman's gone with the wind.”

Jay-Z-Song Cry. Men can’t and won’t accept crying over spilled milk at least in public. Even more so wouldn’t Alpha males. Jay-Z wants us to think he’s that badass. He’s sad over the ending of a marriage, but he’s so tough only Chuck Norris could make tears come out his eye and the next more probable thing that he could do is make a song cry.

“I can't see 'em coming down my eyes/So I gotta make the song cry.”

Frankie J.-How To Deal. Frankie is between a rock and hard place: career or woman. His choice got him depressed and thinking whether his pick is the right one.

“It's something that I had to do/But nobody said that it would hurt so bad/So how do I live...how do I deal without you.”

5. Acceptance. It’s the last stage of grieving. This is where one fully acknowledges the end and despite having perhaps still hard feelings, is starting to heal and bury where things need to buried and move on.

E. Clapton- Promises. Probably one of the lesser known song of one of the best guitar player in the world (and featuring one of the lesser known greats, Marcella Levy), Clapton talks about one of his earlier marriages where he accepted that their vows are over and that’s just how it goes.

“I got a problem can you relate/I got a woman callin' love hate

We made a vow we'd always be friends/how could we know that promises end.”

Eagles- Best of My Love. One of the soft melodic from the 80’s you would expect from these classic rockers. Song’s about accepting a long and tiring process that though may not have gone their way concede that love is love even if it’s not wrapped in a relationship. It’s about giving it your best.

“You see it your way, I see it my way. /We both see it slippin’ away.

You know we always had each other baby/I guess that wasn't enough

Oh, but here in my heart/I give you the best of my love/Oh, sweet darlin'…”

Guns N’ Roses- Estranged. Heavily riffed, but not as hard as most of their songs. Song of accepting the estrangement of someone he hold as everything and knowing he must move on despite how hard it would be.

“I'll never find anyone to replace you/ Guess I'll have to make it thru, this time.

 Oh this time/without you.”

Kings of Convenience (Royskopp Remix). I Don’t Know Where I Can Save You From. So she left him years ago, she comes back lonely and wanting him to save her from her predicament. Pretty much told her, b!tch you left a long time ago, I don’t know what you expect from me. Smart man: don’t tolerate boomerang effect. If it shat on you on the way out, don’t expect it to comeback clean. Epitome of what I think about second chances.

“I realized that the one you were before,/had changed into somebody for whom

I wouldn't mind to put the kettle on./Still I don't know what I can save you from.”

Bon Iver- Beth/Rest. I love Bon Iver, solo or as a band (and it takes a manly man to accept that in public). The lyrics nor the titles make no goddamned sense (ever, or at least on the 2^nd album), but I’m left to believe this song from, patchy lyrics, is 80’s throwback to finally creating a joy of the separation of two people. I didn’t smoke weed, so if you did, you may have gotten the lyrics better than I.

“Aren't we married?! I ain't living in the dark no more

it's not a promise, I'm just gonna call it heavy mitted love

our love is a star/sure some hazardry

for the light before and after most indefinitely/danger has been stole away”

Cavo- Let It Go. A repetitive song of a man persuading himself to do the right thing: let it go. Let’s follow their advice.

“Fade it out into the light/All these years we never get it right/I need to let it go.”

  It’s good to laugh at our sad moments in life, so the next time you feel stupid going through it, you can always say in the future “I’d be laughing at myself about this someday…” And you will be. It sucks having withdrawals about your ex, but hey times like these set you up for a better relationships. If you learn from your mistakes. If you’re going through it now, good luck and someday you’ll be so embarrassed how sappy you were on this day. All we can do it is live our lives and enjoy the music. Aloha and hana hou!

I love you long time,

McLovin’ out.

Relevant tunes:

G. Isaacs- If I Don’t Have You

P. Segel- Dracula’s Lament (From Forgetting Sarah Marshall)

Queen Liliuokalani- Aloha O’e

J. Johnson- Better Together

K. West- Heartless

Things There Should Be More of In...#1

Things There Should Be More of In...#1
03 Marzo 2014 1400

...Airports

"If you don't have a doctor go to the airport---you'll get a free x-ray and a breast exam, and if you mention al-Qaeda, a free colonoscopy." Anon.

1.  Barbershops. And not just people who cut hair, but good old barbershops. Where you get hot towel straight razor facial shave, facial hair trimming, and real manlier haircuts. I don't mind getting my hair cut at regular hairdressers, I mean for the last ten years I've been getting 2 min buzzcuts from cheap military services, however to get real treatment from places that actually know what you want and take their time to do so is so rare even outside of airports. I haven't even seen a hairstylist in any airport I've been on, let alone a barber. But wouldn't it be amazing? Imagine you getting off the plane to see your loved ones (esp. if it's "the" loved one/her *wink wink*) and not having to worry about how you look. Whether meetings or job interviews, of course you'd care how you appear. People like me that get five o'clock shadows even after shaving in the morning how bad do you think I look like when I get off the plane, most especially after a long flight? Let's just say my mug shots look a lot better. Not having to worry about how you look when you are greeted in the arrival section would be a luxury.

2.  Sleep pods. Ever missed your flight or had to reschedule at a later time? I have. You have a choice to find a room or sleep on the terminals. Neither are good options. Finding a hotel room means you have to walk out of security zone which means you have to get prodded and raped by TSA...yet AGAIN. And if the layover is only half to two hours, it's not really smart or worth it to do so just to get some shuteye. How about sleeping on the terminal? I have slept in terminals before, once overnight, and I tell you it's only seconded by riding a long distance Greyhound bus tour on how sucky it is. Plus it isn't safe. Your stuff is laying about which strangers around you could either steal or mess with. Sleeping out in public opens you to a lot of unwanted attention, vulnerability, and scrutiny. Not to mention that it's uncomfortable. In Japan there are small rentals in big cities, which are nothing but  glorified sleeping bags. They're these elongated spaces big enough to fit an average person (and some), stacked high called "capsule hotels". Imagine if morgue body drawers and dog travel cages had a baby. You can rent them for cheap and for a few hours. There's also an accommodating area where you could lock your bags. That's genius isn't it? You get to sleep in a comfortable and private environment without the inconvenience of expensive pricing, travel outside of airport and most of all for a short stay. It'd be even better if they had a. alarm setter b. TV/radio c. cleaning station for those who are germophobes d. individually sealed bedding (to ensure people are using clean blankets and pillows) which comes with the rental but if you wanted more extra pillows you can pay for extra etc. Why can't we have those in airports? Now there are small sleeping pods in terminals, similar to those you can find at malls and downtown areas where they resemble rent-able massage chairs with an overhead enclosure like tanning booths to ensure privacy. These, however, are very few in comparison to the amount of tired, sleepy, irritated travelers that go through the airports on a daily basis.

3. Terminal space. You ever almost got ran over by those golf carts used by TSA to carry old, handicapped or obese people that can't walk to different concourses? Man there's hardly any space on those terminals during busy flight hours. Americans aren't getting any smaller either, how many do you think you can fit width-wise in those hallways? If not close death from golf carts, you're like neck to neck walking on terminal/concourse corridors like a school of fish when more than one flight come out of a terminal at the same time. And those moving walkways? Packed by lazy people (many of whom should really be walking to begin with!) And let's not even talk about the actual terminal waiting areas. The seating on those are so crammed when several flights are scheduled in tight time proximity, you're really breathing the person next to you's breath...and you're not even inside the plane yet. I haven't even addressed the multitudes of kids running amok with respiratory pathogens and bodily fluids seeping out of their orifices. No wonder people get sick in airports. Esp. now at the risk of extremely virulent diseases like SARS and avian flu? It's a scary thought.

4.  TSA officers and check in lines. Pre-9/11, although I haven't traveled much before then, as far as I can remember inspection lines were a lot faster and smoother. Granted it's safer today (although some may argue...), the travel time and hassle are just over the roof nowadays. Makes you wanna be a terrorist for reals. I mean I missed a flight being slightly less than one and half hour pre-boarding. I've seen surgeries go by faster! Ever been in the airport during the middle of flying hours? It's worse than some rush hour traffic I've been unfortunate to be on over the years. You're carted off like pigs to slaughter: rounded up into lines of small moving enclosures, told to strip and then verified and tagged. And that's only if things went smoothly. Imagine missing to take out that one penny out of your pocket, you'd ring when you cross those metal detectors. They expect you to be half naked (holding your pants up because you took off your belt or because you didn't wear a belt to begin with so as not to have to take it off, while your other arm is holding your belt, wallet, carry on, and shoes) while holding out two or three ID's (your ticket and your drivers' license or passport)...the hell do they think you are? Juggling circus clown? Once again on those metal detectors, say I beep or the guy in front you beep, now what? If you answered longer waiting line you are correct. If you beep they'll cart you off to some secluded area and get a private search. And not the good kind like in exotic clubs (*wink wink*) you pay for either. And how about ticket checkouts? If you're smart enough to get an E-ticket or you're one of those ballers what have platinum-gold (you're that "elite" that they melted two precious metals for just to make your personalized card) members (Ooohhh!!!) where you get a special line with self checkout, you pretty much are going to wait in line to check in your bags and get your ticket. What if there's a problem with the flight? You ever seen those lines in terminals with people already buck crazy because their flights were cancelled or delayed? I saw a grandma wearing those ugly Christmas knitted sweaters with reindeers broke down on those podiums crying and cursing demons because she was gonna miss her grandkids' Xmas recitals because her flight was delayed. I could honestly say that only the courtesy desk aka return your product to Walmart lines are worse. It's a nightmare doing holidays. Wake up TSA and airlines, hire more people.

5.  Washroom attendants. Why the hell do you find bathroom attendants in bars, night clubs, strip clubs and swanky restaurants? The people that would actually appreciate those kinda services would be travelers who are tired, in transit, and are probably missing toiletries. When people go to clubs and such they go there usually prepared, and stay there for a short time. I could see how drunk could appreciate help in bathrooms, but where these people could actually blossom are airports with designated grooming stations. You know places where you can shave, wash your face, change, fix your hair and brush your teeth. I would definitely pay or tip for a warm towel, toiletries, dab of cologne and decent space to wipe dried eye bogeys.

6.  Healthy restaurants. Let's see most airports have the same crap: McD's, BK, Cinnabons, Panda Express, Chilis (or variants thereof), to-go coffee places ala Starbucks derivative and fast food Mexican joints like Que Bueno. As if traveling already doesn't make you unhealthy because you don't care much while in transit (you eat what you can and because you're stressed and tired from traveling you pick comfort foods with little thought of what stuff and how much you're gorging). There are better non-fast food and non-chain joints, but even there the food aren't the healthiest. Mostly why I even bother to go there is usually because they have a TV and a bar. And you may ask about Subway and other sandwich places, well frankly they're stale, boring and really are no better than fast-food. Have you seen the new crap they serve? How could you call yourself a health food joint when you sell sandwiches with Fritos in them? Damn. I don't remember seeing one recently but one chain fast-food I'd settle for in airports would be Chipotle. In general though wouldn't it be great if there were better food options for travelers who want to eat better? Airports should be have healthier and more conscious choices of chow.

7.  Free wi-fi. Now public wifi isn't the best internet access. It's actually pretty unsafe, but if I'm just playing games with my Ipad while waiting for my flight or if a mother is streaming Disney movies, so her kids wouldn't run around, on Netflix or Hulu with her computer, why not? Most people in terminals are ticketed passengers (which means they already paid for ticket/flight and not some random leecher hanging out for free access) anyhow. I know you can pay for internet in cafes and stations here and there, but really it should be free. Just like two check-in bags.

8.  Gyms. Now I thought about spas and saunas in airports for a sec, then I figured it's a stupid idea. They take a lot of space for little value. If I wanted a spa I'd really would wait when I'm out of the airport and saunas are pretty dirty esp. when you have tons of strangers from different parts of the world using it. But gyms though would be fantastic. Flight delayed for a few hours? If there was a 24 Hr. Fitness bet your sweet buns I'd be in there most esp. since I already own a membership. No membership? I mean who the hell would if it's a solitary brand found in that airport only. Well why not one time passes? There are so many corner gyms (by that I mean, small shops with treadmills, ellipticals and stair climbers crammed against the window where anyone can see you) with many attendees, it shows how much a small cramped space could earn tons of $$$. And the most important part of course is it support and advertise healthy living. Couple that with shower stations, hell yeah you'd be making beau-coup money (because people would pay to shower in airports).

9.  Parking. Every time I'm flying I literally have to plan this sh!t. Best real option are the shuttles that you make a schedule with to pick you up. One day crossing fingers we won't hafta worry about finding parking or finding parking that's not gonna blow our wallets.

10.  Considerate people. Yes, I blame myself as well because I'm a doucher at times. First of all people, quit whining. We all should understand why they do what they do. Secondly, always prep for the worst. If you're flight is cutting it, it's probably cutting it. Don't blame everyone else or the pilot if your arrival time is only 15 mins. away from whatever super important event you need to be in. Everyone else is not slow; you're just retarded. If it was that important to you, you'd have scheduled your flight hours and days before it and arrived at the recommended two hours prior to boarding. Thirdly, know that they, like yourself, are working folks. I hardly think that most people that work in airports woke up that day thinking that they will go to work to screw people over. If you have been accused by others at work like that, you ought to know how it feels when customers take it personally when it really wasn't. Don't blame the poor terminal lady for something she has no control over (unless she's Storm from X-men or Jesus, she probably can't stop the heavy snow from cancelling your flight). Sh!t happens and you're not the only one in that airport that's having a crappy day. Save the atomic meltdown some other time.

Aloha and have a safe flight,

McLovin' out.

Relevant tunes:

Iron Maiden- Flight of Icarus
K. Loggins- Danger Zone
Peter, Paul, and Mary- Leaving On A Jet Plane
D. Bowie- Space Oddity
Far East Movement- Like A G6

Yoga Pants 'Preciation

Yoga Pants 'Preciation
27 Febrero 2014 1500
"Any idiot can drive in a straight line, but it takes an expert to handle curves." Some Wiseass, Internetz

     First and foremost lemme apologize ahead of time for the words I'm going to say in this post. I hope people, esp. the better sex, do not think of me any less for my opinions that will be imparted on this page about current lifestyle and fashion trends. I had said on previous posts that I will appreciate the world I'm living in more as a part of my 30th year on rock as well as a new years resolution. So I'm going to start that sentiment with this (let's smell the flowers *wink wink*). Let it be known that its with great intent that I furnish this post as well as the penchant for crude humor that I'm allowing my raw male, full of douchiness and perversion, to unleash itself. Truly it is only of greatest motivation to shed my happiness in appreciating the fairer gender's bodies. If it offends you, I'm sorry. Secondly, let's not blame yours truly why such posts need be made. Don't tell me I'm the only one that says "Dammmn!", "Hmmm!", "Ummm girl..." or any such similar phrases, remarks, or animalistic auditory exclamations (verbal or mental) when  a beautiful woman strut her stuff while aptly clad? Thirdly, tis the season for it. Snow is abetting and melting and sun is coming out again. Spring beckons us to renew, our bodies and motivation to have better bodies. Let's analyze the verity that my top reasons why I appreciate yoga pants.

1. Distinction. You're right, I can't tell the difference between yoga pants or yoga leggings. Nor do I care like most men. All I know are its simple basic constructs: a. they're meant to be used in yoga b. they're made  of stretchy substance/material/amazingness c. it flatters the curves d. ...and even more so when they're wet and schweaty (trans. perv pronunciation of the 'sweaty'). And that's all I need to know. Leggings, pants, schmants. All I know is I like them. And honestly if you think about it, neither do other women. Not just with the differences about the clothing itself, but how and when it should be worn. I don't think women in general know how they should use it either, and neither the time nor place when it should be employed (that maybe you should do a lot of yoga first before you decide to use it outside of the class).

2. Efficient. I'm not advocating you wear it all over the place (...or am I?) but I think the case is these pants had been globetrotting. I've seen moms use it shopping with their kids, I've seen runners on trails, seen older ladies in the gym, I've seen it women wear it clubs/bars, in restaurants, seen it in the library, commuting on the light rail, walking around downtown in the weekend or just at home chillin' with it on etc. etc. etc. The pro: it saves women time and they're 'comfy'. The con: people find it inappropriate that a piece of clothing you could sweat on is worn everywhere, and that people aren't contemplating the propriety of wear and simply wearing something that is easy. I'm kind of torn. Obviously I like them, but the same time more conservative views are also right. I think though at the end of the day we could comment on it, but we really don't have a say on people's choices of clothing. They can choose what they want to wear and they are the ones who will face the consequences (whatever that may imply) of their actions. It's a free world. Nor should we dwell on what it represent a woman simply because she wears them. Sometimes we judge too fast to call these girls names when we don't know why they wear it at places they do. Sometimes a woman don't wear it to pick up her kids at school so other dads could ogle her; it maybe that it's emergency and that she's coming out of the gym from tight schedule and happens to be just wearing what she's wearing. Let's be open minded. End of the day it’s none of our beeswax.

 3. Ghost Recon. See when you're appreciating women's beauty it's hard to hide your eye movements. Ever got caught with "Uh I'm here perv, talk to my face"? Cleavages are just below a woman's eye level and range that you're easily caught 'appreciating' her God-crafted/nature evolved (or manmade) beautiful mammalian body parts. No so much when the rear lady lumps are highlighted. Yoga pants create a butt cleavage phenomenon what tight low cut shirts did for the milkshake parts above. Unless she's got a Third Eye or she's an owl and can turn her head 180, if you're a sneaky little ninja you can grace upon the these lovely peaks in relative safety of not being found out. Creeps of the world unite!

4. Inspiration. Today there's a lot of shenanigans going on esp. in the social scene (on the media, social media and just discussion circles in general) on the subject of obesity. One side are the fat shamers and the other side the anti-fat shamers. The fat shamers are the asshole bullies that instigate often chauvinistic sentiments embarrassing unhealthy and unfit people as if they themselves are fit. It's oftentimes ridiculous, sexist, chauvinistic, perfectionist and irrational rants and pictures that they employ to sow the seeds of discord. The other side of the spectrum are populated by not so rational people as well (just like any opinion coterie, from Congress to gossip circles). The anti-fat shamers are reactionaries that seem to think that everything spoken against unhealthy lifestyle is bullying, is damaging to people's feelings, and that we can't be honest and use rationality to speak out against the very dangerous obesity epidemic in this country. They do not know that their uber-politically correct attitude (that sheds no distinction between rational dialogue against obesity and straight bullying) sustains unhealthy lifestyle because it prevents people from getting the message across: obesity kills and it's rampant. Why can't we just accept that obesity isn't healthy and instead encourage women (and men) that need help without having to look down on them?

Yoga pants are great because it inspires women to want to have that body, a healthier body. Understand that, like mentioned on a previous post, despite people probably saying that they want a better body for health reasons, the fact of the matter is most people probably are driven by VANITY more than anything. So instead of us being asshole hypocrites speaking out against obese people as if we've got <10 BF%, or trying to bullshit them as if it's okay not to strive for a better body, let's just let a piece of clothing speak for itself. There's a reason why they have pictures of abs and tight arms on gyms; it makes people remember why they're working hard. Call it stupid, call it shallow, hey it get stuff done. Let's just let yoga pants and how they look carry that discussion on the streets. Obviously if you don't look hot in it, you and everyone else will know because there's no room hide in those pants. If you do look good however, well you're going to be an inspiration to others (that’s why many women on Youtube and Instagram are being followed not by men, but many by women who use their pictures and videos as inspiration). No fat shaming, no words, just the naked truth.

Also what a lot of women don't know is it also an inspiration for guys. There is a study that shows that men perform better during exercises when the opposite sex is present. So yes ladies, do the world a favor and help guys at the gym by wearing it if you got it. Help fight obesity, even if it’s just for heterosexual males.

5. It’s a statement. Clothing had always been a definition, identification, and a statement for many peoples for centuries. Various ethnic groups wear certain clothing to represent their own identity and beliefs. Today that is no different. That is, except that instead of cultural groups, we have subcultural groups and individuals who are creating a fashion statement for themselves using such clothing. I think yoga pants is/could also belong in that category. Whether it's the neo-holistic health/medicine lifestyle crowd or simply those who enjoy yoga, it's a statement of their lifestyle and their choices. Now since most women who wear it DON'T do yoga, the pants had become an all-around health nut get up choice. Whether it's crossfit, Tabata/HIIT, short endurance and obstacle course races that's popular with many people (like Tough Mudder, Spartan) you'd see many women wearing these pants, esp. those muscle pants ( pretty much leggings that's designed to look like when skin is peeled and muscle is show underneath). Some women even create self-obsessed selfies of them with titles like "Do U Even Lift Bro?" or "Girl Who Squatz" with their quads popping out of their pants like a volcano. It's seem to say that they belong a certain group of people that have certain hobbies and activities that they share. Some women wear it just to drop jaws (if you're sexy and you know it...). There's also a group of women who wear yoga pants for a different reason. Those that say to hell with superficial modern physical standards that are created by a shallow society, they wear it to make that statement. They say that you should love your body at whatever size it maybe, same way a lot of women nowadays are taking naked pictures of themselves and say "I love my body" etc. Whatever your beliefs are, let's just agree that there's tons of different ways that these tight fitting clothing create a form of speech that represent individuals' beliefs and lifestyles.

                There I end my spiel on this trend. No way had I written this to offend anyone, but rather to remind people to love their bodies as much as other people (esp. perverts like me) do.

I love you long time,

McLovin’ out.

Relevant tunes:

Bellamy Bros.- If I Said You Had A Beautiful Body
India.Arie- Video
Mos Def- Ms. Fat Booty
K. West- The New Workout Plan
Savage- Swing