Pt. 2

I Know We're Cool Pt. 2

2014 Enero 01 1300

Barbier's Fireworks in Venice

"Resentment is one burden that is incompatible with your success. Always be the first to forgive; and forgive yourself first always." D. Zadra

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/a/anais_nin.html#0X1ZqrfIaMp0dRoh.99

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/a/anais_nin.html#0X1ZqrfIaMp0dRoh.99

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/a/anais_nin.html#0X1ZqrfIaMp0dRoh.99

 6. Don’t sweat the small stuff

                Life is short. We only live once. So we can either nitpick everything or stop bothering with things that shouldn’t matter. I learned the latter. You are an adult, you ought to have rationality to know what you include and what not to include in your life. Filter what’s good and stop sweating the small things. Yes every little thing counts as I said before, but you ought to know how to deal with things that only cause you negativity. All our relationships are going to be flawed. There’s no one perfect and therefore there’s no relationship that’s going to be flawless. Every single moment, every single relationship and every single person (including us) have imperfections so don’t expect not to find faults.

                Relationships are full of little things that aren’t so great. Maybe you dislike a certain physical feature, maybe you’re bothered by her mannerisms, maybe you miss certain things about being single and maybe there are topics and beliefs you don’t share. The only real thing I learned is that I can do is either accept it or let it go. If something bothers me that much, I can either deal with it (fix the problem) and if the problem can’t be fixed, then I can accept it for what it is or leave the relationship. If you find that relationship is worthwhile, then accept that it’s a small bump in an otherwise great thing going. If you’re a penny short of a dollar, you still got ninety nine cents. And that’s 99 times better than a penny.

7. Words matter

                Sticks and stones break bones, but words said are remembered forever. That’s my take on it now. We say words are just words, but in reality people take words seriously. It’s good to be honest and open, but there are times when one should learn to shut the hell up. Word crafting isn’t my best quality. I have a slight talking disability wherein I don’t have a filter nor a brake for my mouth. I say things without thinking what it could imply. And that’s something I need to learn to control. And I’m sure that’s just not me; a lot of guys let words fly because they feel they ought to say something. As the saying goes “wise men talk because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something.” People may not say anything back, but when you let words out, people may take it to heart. We can’t always say the perfect words (see above #6) but one can definitely at least stream what and how we say things. There’s a fine line between constructive and destructive criticisms. I also disagree with “don’t say anything if you have nothing good to say.” ‘Good’ is such a subjective term and there are times when you have to say something ‘bad’ or simply not ‘good’ things (see having cojones) because it's the truth.  However, we should think through what we’re saying if it is ‘important’ enough for the context we’re allowing them come out of our mouths. If your words will result in something being more hurtful than useful, then reconsider changing how you express it.

8. Work to live not the other way around

                Money can make a lot of things go ‘round but it shouldn’t rule you relationship. When we live to work, our lives revolve around money and our jobs. Then all the people in our lives take second priority. I remember when I lived to work I forgot the things that matter to me the most. I remember there was a time when I didn’t have anything to count, but I was happier just being around her that made me smile. Then I had a job, I had full time school on top of that, and I forgot why I’m doing these things in the first place (to be happy and to make her happy). It’s better to have less zeroes in your bank account when you still enjoy life. That you enjoy the things you can’t put a price tag on. That’s peace of mind and the people that’s waiting for you at the end of the shift.

                There’s also more to life than a career, and having and pursuing one doesn’t mean to exclude the rest of your A Team. Journey, even the difficult ones, could be more enjoyable with people that help you through it, and remind you why you want to achieve that you work so hard for. They put you back to reality. There are a lot of people who continue love and live while still searching for their dream jobs. Find a way to mitigate it (meet them halfway).

9. Past is past

                It’s nice to know where someone came from, but don’t expect their past to align with what you wanted it to be. Who the hell am I to be pissed about her past? Exactly, nobody. I have no right to judge her for things she may or may not have done. I have no right to own her past, which she cannot change. If a woman is important to you now, that’s what should matter.  Not what she did when she didn’t know you. And no you cannot forgive her for anything…because she doesn’t owe you anything. Not for apologies nor explanations.We should stop believing as men that we have the right to her universe and to account for every single moment of her life leading up to us meeting her.

                Possessiveness is a trait that many of us have. As humans, when we fall in love we are engulfed with ‘owning’ that person that we are so hurt when we find out that we aren’t part of many happy moments in their lives. I say love them for who they are now, and not what they may have been. One should appreciate what we have and not what we can never. There are no time machines and you’re not a scientist. If you cannot bear what old times were like for your significant other, then stop wasting your time and hers. Deal with it or get out of the way. I learned not to even ask them for things I may not like to hear, because why sweat the small stuff? If you got the jackpot right there and you're currently happy that’s what ought to matter. Make your own memories.

10. Intimacy

                Now I’m not going to bother about your stance on marriage and sex, I’m not here to judge. Whatever is good for you is good for you. In either case, I believe that intimacy is important. Intimacy isn’t just sex, it’s more than that. It’s the emotions you release when you do things. It’s the smile you give when she gives you something amazing. It’s the hug you get when you come home, or the rub on the shoulder when you’re sad. Intimacy is important and you have to make time for it even if it’s just a short text message when you’re gone. The smiley face at the end of an email paint so much more about how you feel than any word you type.

                As for sex, enjoy it. Make time for it, And like someone said “do it like you’re doing it for TV.” Joke. But the sentiment is similar, put effort on it. Make it fun, make it interesting and make it amazing. If you think you landed the best thing that ever happened to you, why stop short of spending the close doors like it isn’t even better than that? I think there are a few things in creation shared by couples better than intimacy, why the heck not enjoy every single instance and put your best performance ever every time? Love life sure isn’t just about sex, but sex sure makes it a lot colorful.

                So there you go, that’s my “what I learned list”. I hope I didn’t bore you too much. These are the things I want to work on my new year and the Providence bless me on that. I know you already know what I blabbered about, but I hope I gave you a little more insight. I hope you greet the new year with the same enthusiasm. Forgive others, forgive yourself and embrace a new dawn. We ain't getting any younger and to treat tomorrow as is if was yesterday is a huge waste of our precious and short lives. 

                 As for my old flame if you’re reading this, I thank you very much for all the things EVER that I experienced from you. The good times and the bad times, everything. There’s not one second I didn’t learn from you and I will always remember the happier days (I can't thank you enough for the great times and amazing memories! And thank you for allowing me to write about you.) I know it took me this long to honestly say I am happy for the decisions I had made. You had shaped me to be the man I am now and the man I will be in the future. And for things I didn’t do and things I put you through, I am asking forgiveness. If we see each other in the upcoming year, if not the years to come, I can honestly say the last sentiments you expressed: I know we’re cool.  We’re cool.

May all of you have prosperous 2014.

Mclovin’ out.

I Know We're Cool

I Know We’re Cool

2013 30 Diciembre 2030

Barbier's Farewell At Night

“I hold it true, whate'er befall;

I feel it, when I sorrow most;

'Tis better to have loved and lost

Than never to have loved at all.”

In Memoriam AHH, Lord Tennyson

So here we are again the beginning of a new year. Looking back it was a year full good times, bad times, and everything else in between. Every year end I think of things of what I could’ve done better and reflect on everything else I did not. I’ve a lot of things on my mind. My physical endeavors. My future career endeavors and going back for my post-graduate education. Love life. Sex life. ..which I could expound and enrich more this new year. Ridding of little habits, like swearing. Like realizing the urge to travel more. Like saving money. Like calling my mother and letting her know I’m still alive. More often. Or actually having a deeper relationship with my parents by listening to them more. Like things I’m starting to really prioritize as I approach my thirties like my pension and retirement. Fortunately for you readers, I’m not going to list it all.

But there’s one thing that occupied my mind this week as I approached the new year. It was caused by this reflective tradition and a simple quirk at work. I am doing a different job for now and it requires me to get a security clearance. All military personnel before enlisting have gotten a background check, but in order for one to do many things including accessing sensitive data, one has to have a security clearance. So in order for me to get Top Secret access, I needed to dig up the last ten years of my life. List my addresses and people that knew me. Then some guy investigates to make sure I’m not a snitch or a terrorist and wreak havoc with classified information.

I hated this process to tell you the truth. It’s a pain in rear. I burned a lot of bridges and lost contacts over the years. And since my college days were just around that corner, I had lived in more than half a dozen addresses, so you can assume it’s like a nightmare finding EXACT dates and addresses and contact info, and alot of calling, texting, internet searching to get permission from old buddies, acquaintances, roommates, land lords.  People that haven’t talked to in years and people I don’t think remember me anymore.

So I had to dig up my old files. One of these caches is my old binder chuck full of random mail, important documents, and trinkets from events past. My self-diagnosed ADHD was overloaded seeing all these things, like when your internet crash when you’re downloading a gazillion of porn files. Kidding. One thing that caught my eye and the reason I’m writing this and probably what I dreaded the most: my old flame’s memories. She was the only one I could have put on as a contact on an address we lived in together for two years.

Now I’m not trying to be sentimental, but if you were in my shoes you’d agree that the prospect of contacting an ex you haven’t seen or talked to in forever also a sordid and awkward experience. I think we both had our share of negative sentiments towards the end of our relationship, which for the most part was great and lengthy. We’d been together all our college days, through good times and bad, boring and fun, gross and exalted moments. She was my best friend, and I was hers. At one point, we both thought we were Bonnie and Clyde. Yeah laugh all you want; we were young kids. But the end was just fairly horrific, we were not the same lovers as 4 years prior and definitely many of days in the latter part of our relationship were filled with a lot of unhappiness. Our feelings competed with a lot of thought and time to trying to graduate, work and expecting the future. Her eyes were set on settling down; mine was on a career. She was very disappointed when I chose the latter. Eventually she found someone and a place which I agree she deserved. Someone that will love her more than I could and give her those little baby shoes that made her eyes glisten. And let’s just say I’ll swallow my pride just for you readers and admit that I had never shed a tear my entire life aside from when she left me for another man. I still loved her very much and despite my choice, it pained me to see hers. We said our goodbyes; we left very civilly although with a few very tense and emotional moments and had not seen her again. Went on with my life.

So to disappoint you, no I was not able to contact her. There’s no happy reunion or even hey what’s up. All her contacts that I had were gone; those I had she had changed in five years. Sorry to the wrong number I texted. Maybe someday we’d meet again, or maybe not…although I’d been very surprised by this world and how small it is.

This whole experience brought me to mind the very same new year reflection however. And this is what I’m writing about. Within the contents of the vault I’ve reread few letters, some notes, tiny pictures I thought I’ve destroyed, and trinkets that brought me good memories and I got an idea of a reflection for this coming year. So without further a due the following is the list of what I’ve learned about relationship (romantic or otherwise) over the last ten years and what I plan to resolve this upcoming year.

1. Appreciation

                Once a friend of mine said “When you get as old as I am, you’ll understand why I put more time in my relationship. Remember this if you don’t remember anything else:  say thank you more often.” As a young buck, at 19, I didn’t understand then. Now, approaching 30, I do. Appreciation goes a long way. It really does. Just imagine how you felt when your boss gave you a little note or card saying how he noticed you’ve worked so hard. The little medals and awards I wrote and submitted for my soldiers, I saw how much of that, despite it not mattering in terms of money or worldly gain, make them proud and felt important. It may sound vain (why do people need to be reminded of something they do?) but in reality it’s not just ‘actualizing’ the actions into words and emotion they can use to be proud of. Gratitude is the human connection/s that we are all wanting from each other; to know that someone took something for keeps and not as a given. You’re telling them that what they’ve done for you, which is forgettable over time, have a deeper impact. Show that they and what they do are important. When your love ones do something for you, make sure they know that you think it’s important to you. Sometimes it’s hard to reciprocate with the same actions---fair enough; debt of gratitude is hard to repay. But it should be at least with words.

                This past year I can’t tell you many times I’ve taken many things for granted. That’s part of my resolution, to appreciate what people do for me. Sometimes I get wrapped up on things and forget to take a second to appreciate what I have. And to also send the sentiments back to the people that make my life worthwhile by simply saying: you’re appreciated. May it be my mother who always have my back, or my neighbor who despite her quirks have helped me over the years. A little thank you goes a long way. If you have a significant other, make sure she knows she’s very important, much more than material things in life, much more than your career, and much more than things you don’t have.

2. Make time and effort

                Time is gold they say, and that’s why it’s an expensive commodity. However, it should never be more important than people. Making time and effort feeds off appreciation: that we’re willing to sacrifice a bit of ours for someone else's sake. Taking an extra second to say something back, taking a second to communicate, taking a second to do better for those around you, also goes a long way. Sometimes it may take two seconds of smiling and making sure she knows you’re happy. Or it could be two hours waiting for her shopping. It could be two minutes to write a note and post it on her keyboard to remind her that new dress make her very attractive, or two days to take her road tripping just like you use to in the old days. Time is the best gift you could give someone.

                Effort also goes with time. It takes time to give effort. Everything costs toil, true. But it’s the finer details, the extra effort, that really paint the devilish details. Effort could be making time, effort could be working out to look good, and effort could also be doing research about the things she likes. Sometimes we can’t be all that, but what we have to make sure is they know we’ve added just a tiny bit more for them. And with that I’ll agree: every little thing counts. This new year, I plan to make sure to go further for the people that matter to me. It takes two seconds to say hi with text, ain’t nothing but a drop of sand. But that sentiment counts for more than we’ll ever know.

3. Meet them halfway

                There are times when you should be selfish. There are also times when you shouldn’t. One has to know when and how to balance it. I find relationships that are one-sided martyrdoms ridiculous, because you have to find value in yourself before you can reciprocate it to others.  There has to be some selfishness, eg the drive to find your own friends, your own hobbies, and your own physical retreat to find happiness in your life. When you’re happy, you are able to use that state to create happiness in others.

                But one thing you have to do a lot is compromise. Relationships are two way streets. You cannot expect everyone else to give, and give, and give, without sending some back their way. When you take, you have to give; the balance could be anywhere. You may take more now, and give a little. You may repay in kind by giving more later but taking in less. Whatever you decide, understand that that decision has to be done by both sides. I can’t fully understand when my friends say “It’s different now I have a family” because I don’t have one. But I think I can see where they’re coming from. You cannot make decisions where the results are not a viable option on the opposite end. There are no absolute surrenders in a happy relationship. When you make it a zero sum game, when they have no options they will not stick around unless they’re suicidal, martyrs, or those that revel in unhappiness.

                It may take a lot more effort to find a sweet spot in the middle, where both of you are comfortable with sacrifices on the table, but one side cannot take all. If you take it all, it will leave the opposite end very unhappy and without an option they will renege on that setup. Yes over the years I’ve been a tough act, but I need to understand why it’s important to step on others' shoes. Only then can I see where and how I can find a healthy compromise.

4. Have some courage

                Courage I once read is not the absence of fear, but what you do with it. In terms of relationships, you have to grow some cojones to do some things you don’t want to do. Whether it’s telling her the truth, she does look a bit fat in that dress, or biting your social anxiety when she wants to go dancing in front of a crowd. There are a lot of things we will be uncomfortable of but there are times when you have to swallow pain, fear, pride, dignity etc. to find that sweet spot I talked to above. As a male I can understand why and when we REFUSE to lose. Sometimes you have to let her win. It’s the courage to swallow your insecurities. Sometimes silly arguments ARE NOT worth winning. Sometimes when you’re a good ole boy it’s hard to show your ‘soft’ side for fear of people noticing you, or just an irrational fear all men have that come from our id.

                We resort to cowardice because it’s the easier “solution”. This is the opposite of what I listed above: sometimes we have to let them lose. I know of a couple who let each other gorge themselves with drugs because both are unable to stand up and make the other understand a little tough love. It’s more convenient not to rock the boat, to go with the flow even if you know it’s bad. The long term effects of easy fixes are irreversible. It’s easy to fall in lull and as human beings since most of us dislike chaos and conflict. Times will come, and they do come, where you have to stand up for yourself and for those you care about.

5. Don’t ever be someone else you’re not

                I’m a pragmatist. I believe and learned that not all lies are bad. And yes there are ‘amazing things that come out of terrible lies.’ (Lyrics quote!) But understand that MOST times lies result in bad things. You cannot be someone else in a relationship. Why? You may get away with wanting to be someone else but it will catch up to you. I can pretend I’m happy, but sooner or later I won’t be able to take it. If you lie to get a girl for example, she may like you for who you’re not, but eventually either she’ll find out or you’ll find out that your pretense make you unhappy because she's in love with someone else; that someone else you're playing charades as. You may win for a short while, but the end result in the long run isn’t good.

                Also we ought to think about things we concoct and evaluate if these are things we really want to be. When I was younger I use to think that there are times that I should be an asshole for the sake of being an asshole, because I equated draconian principles of control with love. We have to evaluate these ‘values’ we use to see if they make sense or even if they are good for us or if that’s even what we want or reflect ourselves to be. There are times one wishes to be tough, because the media make us want to be ("cool"), sometimes we want to be manly because our friends think we should be manlier, whatever that means. And the result of this is we pretend to like to do things even if it hurts or have negative results for those we care about the most. When we get wiser, we’ll find out that it’s NOT worth it to sacrifice those we can’t live without for a fist bump of those we’d rather not have around. I love my friends (I have few and close ones), but the fact that we have to call our loved ones "hoes", these "bros" ain't worth it if that's their principle. Trust me, people that are worth having around don’t pressure you to be someone else to others they know are important to you. Priorities.

To be continued…

Happenstance

2013 27 Abril 2030

"It is cruel you know that music should be so beautiful...the cruel of beauty of nature and everlasting beauty of monotony." B. Britten

To Someone,

                I’d like to thank you for the happiness you’ve brought me. You probably don’t know how much you’ve made me happy, even if it’s for very few and short moments. Sometimes it’s the short but very sweet junctures in life that makes memories worth remembering, because they’re very unadulterated and knowing we’ll never recreate them, rare and unique. I don’t know what has gotten into me; I’m usually not this dramatic. I’ve spent my whole adult life knowing and being on my own, even when I was with someone. But I think years will eventually make the hardest man miss what he doesn’t have. Maybe I’m just getting soft. Or is it just you?

I usually don’t meet women like you. I’ve met many gorgeous women, some of them even made me feel like they’re flying over me. But you, you’re one of a kind. Your simplicity, your honesty, your unpretending smile. They make a story someone wants to dream of when they go to sleep. They make the smell of home that people want to linger and forget about how far away home really is. Home where one doesn’t have to pretend, where someone feels familiar and loved, where the world don’t revolve above but around you. I honestly don’t even like blondes, but your long tresses, simply wrapped with black tie made me feel like I’ve not seen any fairer. Your simple blue eyes, your face without makeup or your lips without a tinge of artificial color. Your skin is bare, blemished by the days you’ve spent in the sun made me feel like I’ve never since seen a more perfect complexion. But the most beautiful part, the part that one cannot describe in words is your personality. You are a gem in a sea of people who live in modernity, who live without living and think without thinking. Your kind words and your honest smile woke me up from sleep I thought I would never wake. True kindness, in a world full of pretense. The way that you are put together, it seems I’ve never seen a more prefect composition, put so ever carefully together.

For those very few hours I’ve felt like I could touch infinity. I haven’t felt like this in a very long time. Thank you. And yet these are probably the very same qualities and the feeling you give to your better half that have kept you into his arms a long time since. I’ve got to admit, I haven’t felt disappointed in forever; knowing the happiness you bring belongs to someone else. But my face didn’t betray the pang of discovery did it? I have never felt this ashamed to like someone. How could I be this stupid to think you'd still not be taken? I'm sorry if this letter is coming to you from virtually a stranger, stranger hoping you felt the same? Guilty for selfish feelings. 

This brief summer I’ve felt with you will make me warm during winter. And that is enough for me. That is probably where you belong, in a section of one’s thought, where it’s cozy, places of memory lane where we visit when we need it most. Sometimes we don’t remember the details, but we remember the feeling. Thank you for making me feel alive and myself again. And your friendly and kind words, are advises a friend would always remember. I think that is the sacrifice of knowing these feelings: knowing such great elation and yet parting knowing you may never feel the same again. Good bye.

In appreciation,

My Foolish Sentiments

Excuses

Excuses

2012 26 Octubre 2305

“But we must learn to be equally good at what is short and sharp and what is long and tough.” W. Churchill

I can’t remember when I last read the Bible. There’s a book in there called the Book of Job.  It’s an odd book because nowhere in the scriptures had someone been so “blessed” to be punished. This entry is not about the book but the virtues learned. To be edified, you have to learn to accept the ugly and nasty things as much as you welcome the good.

I thought about it this month. As I for a while have limited my physical exercises from an injury, long grueling work load and inability to conquer my own stress and sleep. I’d been grounded for weeks and months. How I wish I never have to restart this again. It’s like building an empire that crumble and you have to start over again brick by brick.

My body feels like when a robot wakes up and don’t know how to move it. I use to remember moving faster, easier, sleeker, more agile. Now I feel lousy, haggard, and disgusted. These extra ten pounds feel like hundreds. Like when you’re at the bottom of a hill and you still have the rest to go. Tall order.

After a couple weeks it even got worse. Beginning is usually your own worst enemy: when your own mind messes with your determination. It’s about the time when excuses start creeping in. Excuses are the evil inside your head that’s more prominent when the going gets tough. Maybe I should sit this one out. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe I’ll take a break. To top it all off, the things you are invulnerable from when you were breezing through are present. Self-pity, regret, guilt, frustration, and defeatism all come in at once. When things are easy the weather never bothered you. But when times are rough, the weather is never good enough. When it rains it pours.

Today as I write this I finally figured out that the best part of everything are the beginnings. Not because of the aesthetics (oh do I look sloppy!), not because of the ease (please make it stop!), not because of contentment (when is it going to be easier?), but because beginnings teach you to be tougher in your noggin. Where it counts the most. There is no harder part in anything than the start line. It’s easy to be motivated when you can run faster. Easier to be brave when you have all the muscles. It’s easier to continue when you are lighter.

At the start nowhere are all these things more relevant. This is when you meet your true self. What kind of character do I have? When you’re starting out, you don’t have all your weapons. You don’t have all your skills. You don’t have the tenacity that comes with familiarity. Everything else is like brand spanking new. Relearning what you forgot and readjusting with what you have, which isn't much.You only got one thing to rely on: your personality.

When you are bare physically, your only reliance is that your personality will carry you over. The ease that comes with having bigger, well used body is nonexistent here. The calm demeanor from muscular discernment of long hard workouts isn’t there either. Not only do I have to face the physical manifestation of pain, one has to contend with the evil of the psyche. Temptations are so hard to block. Brave face is so hard to put on. You can’t sugarcoat the long and tough road ahead.

I still have a long way out of this night. But I gotta tell you, despite how much I hate this part I have to say that this is the part the count the most. I have to relish my time in the mud. Learn and relearn what it has to teach me about determination. Suck up all the juices of pain that’s only existent in the first few steps. To stop making excuses. Use the frustration to build my empire once again brick by every brick. Easier said than done. We’ll see right? Nothing more motivational than doing something someone says you couldn’t do;  esp. if that person is yourself.

See you in the grind.

McLovin’ out.

Little Lion Man

2012 Febrero 04 0400

"Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope." B. Cosby

Like the wise men say, you don't earn your mother's love as it comes given. But you do your father's. Father and son relationships are weird. As a male you're bound to copy him, emulate, idolize. But at the same time compete with him, as it is naturally masculine to "be your own man." To be solitary and independent. It's a combination of both the will to please and the male pride to show him you are better than either what he wanted you to be or he himself.

Growing up I felt like my father wanted me to be the person he never was. I represent the tip of the spear that would carry the rest of my family in the American dream. My father is a proud man. Despite his humble status as a college dropout starting from zero since moving abroad, he never flinched at his responsibility. Proud and principled; his work ethic is infallible. Those are huge shoes to fill. I was going to be an example to my brothers. I had to be the good boy. I had to be smart one. I had to make a name for us. I was going to do the things he couldn't because of route in life he took. I felt like in comparison to my younger siblings, I carried more responsibility. Things that they would get a slap on the wrist for, I'd get a guilty wringing. He wanted me to be assertive, a leader, a model.

I never were any of those things. I shouldn't have been the first born for I was more easy going and laid back. I hated responsibility and to be the first one to jump without hesitation. I'd rather cower than challenge, compromise than take it all.

Last week I called my folks to wish him a happy birthday. He's almost there, the big five-o. The last few years my father changed his demeanor towards fatherhood. When before he demanded, he now suggests. When before he preached, he now discussed with me things in life as a man to another.

As we were catching up, I didn't expect that he'd apologize to me about how he raised me. He said he feels bad that he might have been too hard on me. That he thinks I carry sentiments of heavy heart towards him and that makes me unhappy. But that at the same time doesn't regret it, seeing how I turned out. I told him I don't blame him. And that I was thankful I didn't turn out like bastard as some. You gotta count things you have and not things you don't; like others who wish their father was present or cared. Despite many hours of disciplining and harsh exchange of words, of feeling guilty for getting a B, for trying to pretend I didn't' want to be like other children, at least I had a father who had great intentions every step of the way.

I think my drive are his words. I'm a scared man inside that I know. But I have a tough shell because I grew up not accepting mediocrity and wanting more. Ambition. The only thing forcing me to do things no one would think I would do is the fear and the guilt of failing him and myself.

It's a great feeling when your father sees you as a man. It's like graduating in life. Because despite the eternal disappointment I feel for myself subconsciously, seemingly unable to be better than I should be, somehow I'm starting to think someone is actually thinking I'm worthwhile as an adult enough to talk to me as one. As an equal. And of all people it's the one person that all sons wish it'd be so: their father.


Happy birthday pops.

McLovin, out.

Things We Can't Repay

2011 Mayo 02 0900

Thanks for everything.

McLovin, out.