Road Raging Against The Machine

Road Ragin’ Against the Machine

17 Enero 2014 1530

“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.” Attributed to A. Einstein

                 

     According to statistics, an average American spends 37 miles and 101 minutes of each day on the road driving. That’s a whole lot of time spending on an activity considered the 7^th deadliest, most dangerous and VERY PREVENTABLE cause of death in the US. It’s listed as higher than fatalities caused by gun violence. So if you think about it, you spend an average of 40 miles and an hour and half a day dodging death. Death that may come from huge hunks of metal and plastic weighing tons traveling far faster than human ability on asphalt, driven by strangers who often aren’t the brightest human beings. So driving around, it’s hard not to spot reasons to get pissed off about and be scared of idiots on the road. Idiots who hold your life in their hands.  

                So instead of fuming while I’m driving, I’m writing down a short rant of the things that drive me insane about fellow motorists. Let me rage on paper and not on the road. 

1. Texting and driving. Cellphones have brought a lot of good in this world, but also a lot of bad. Technology on their own aren’t bad or create the bad things we attribute to them. It’s us who use them that determines that. It was bad enough when cellphones were first used while driving, taking attention off the road and disabling one arm off the wheel, but when texting came out, it added to the lethality of using cellphones while driving (23% of all car crashes involve cellphone distractions). These morons would not only lose their attention, but completely take their eyes off the road and sometimes both hands off the wheel so they could text or hell even use their smartphones or apps (1/5 surf the web while driving)! You can easily spot them, swerving every few seconds (according to data, average text and driver spend 10% of driving outside of their lane) and when you pass them you can completely see that they have both hands off the wheel. And I often hear on the media that its teenagers doing it (granted texting is fairly new and therefore a huge part of this generation’s habits than the last), but I often see adults do it as well (23% of adults text and drive). Not just any adults, I’ve seen soldiers and government workers (your DoD tags and or government plates aren’t hard to spot, dumbass) who are supposed to be America’s best.

     According to statistics, 77% of teenage drivers think that not only texting and driving ain’t bad, but that they can do it without causing accidents. 55% of young adults felt similarly. Imagine: more than a majority of young people (who are inexperienced with driving to begin with) think that they can do this on the road. And this is after the fact that 90% of America have laws against texting and driving. Still happening though.  If I could knee each of these people on the road I would, but in reality this is the job of parents. I don’t care for your children, I don’t. They could crash and burn for all I care. But fact of the matter is when they crash they usually involve others. So if you can’t do it, well maybe the laws should change that if your child injure another person you should be jailed in their stead. 
    

          2. Riding my ass. Why do these motherf@*(%&$ drive so close behind other people? Is it because they like seeing my bumper? I know I got a lot of junk in my trunk but can’t they admire it from a distance? Are they just touchy-feely? What if I slam my brakes and see if we can get closer together huh? As far as I’m concerned and was taught by my pops and by driving course I’ve taken, safe distance is a good two car lengths away so if you’re riding closer, make sure you have good brakes. And a non- brittle jaw, because if ever you hit me, I’ll pop you with an uppercut.

 3. Bass droppers. Not gonna lie, when I was younger I thought that having an expensive sound system and blasting rap music while driving was cool too. That’s when I was 17 and outgrew it very quickly. Realized that nothing spells ‘douchebag’ more than that. It’s funny and sad that I see adults do it today. Do I really want to hear your music? I mean I appreciate your kindness for sharing (even if I can’t understand it anyway), but I’d appreciate it more if you would save my eardrums instead. In your retarded and immature mind, it may seem like your coolness level just went up when your turned your volume dial way up (even if it already makes you a tool since your sound system cost 2 grand and your car only 500 bucks) but it didn’t. And no it doesn’t drop panties like in hip-hop music videos. The only thing it may drop are people’s perception of your IQ level and the chances of you not wearing hearing aids when you get older.

           4. Speed demons and slowpokes. Part of intelligence is having the cognizance when to do things. There are times when you should speed up and times when you ought to slow down. But there are people who can't make that distinction. Obviously on freeways with ideal traffic and weather conditions, it’s not bad to increase your speed. But not so much that you are driving way too dangerously and recklessly. Speed is one the biggest determinant of fatality as it multiplies the chances of death or severe injuries exponentially as it increases. Its simple physics: momentum equals mass times velocity. In laymen’s, the faster you go the more force you’re going to put on your body when you collide. So homie, if you think you’re a racer go ahead and let your pent up sexual frustrations and ego problems on the racetrack, where only you will die in case of an accident. And no one would have to suffer hours-long delays because your splatter-y death had backed up traffic for miles when ambulances and firefighters had to extract your mangled body by blocking all but one lane. Speed doesn’t make your penis any bigger, and if you think it’ll get you there faster a lot of times it may not. It may get you to your grave faster, but if it's going to cost me time and perhaps my own well-being, I’d rather you not.

      And then there are the friggin' slowpokes who can’t seem to understand that snail speeds also contribute A LOT to accidents and traffic slowdowns. If you can’t drive on the speed limit on perfect conditions, then grandpa get the hell off the road. Pick a route more convenient for your speed preferences because you’re creating a backlog of people with more important things to do with their lives. Or, if you can’t hack it at least drive on the slow lane pops. It pains me to see that Mustang being driven like it’s an Amish horse carriage, it's crime against nature. Ah retirement money. Wasted on the aged.
     And if you’re going to be either, do so but don’t do both. I hate slinky drivers worst. On a perfect straightaway they’ll drive fast then slow down and when you try to overtake them, they'll drive fast again.  Are your legs having convulsions because even on an automatic shifter you’re speed is springing back and forth for no goddamned reason? Let’s not play tag because you won’t like it when I catch up to you.

         5. Rubberneckers.  I’m sure voyeurism is a common human behavior. But you would think that humans would have better common sense not to practice it while driving. You’re driving on the road and suddenly you spot emergency vehicles with flashing lights obviously assessing and fixing traffic accident/s. Sucks for those lanes bound that direction right because they’d be delayed (even more so for the poor sap involved in the collision/accident)? But why is our lane, four lanes away and divided by concrete barriers going the opposite way, also slowed down? Because morons are making the tragic event into reality TV entertainment by staring and trying to find out details about someone’s bad day. Not only is it not safe (distracting) but also cost motorists money because of the delays. It’s a sad waste of brake pads. Keep to your own business and stop wasting my life. If you want to watch and waste your own time, why don’t you pull over and use binoculars. If you still have a problem with turning your neck after that, I’d gladly help you snap it.

    So folks that is my short list of things that I road rage about on a daily basis. It’s not finished and I may add another list later. I’m getting too old for some of these shenanigans, so if you find yourself doing this, pray I don’t catch you because you’d hear it for sure. Also pardon my Spanish, but I’d rather use writing as a means of anger management than using expletives and violence in real life. So what are your road concerns and what irk you the most about fellow motorists? Do share. Be safe and drive safely.

Your public service announcement for the day,

McLovin’ out.

Relevant tunes: 

T. McGraw- Highway Don’t Care

Ludacris- Move Bitch

Deep Purple- Highway Star