Sunday, September 7, 2014

Road Ragin' Against the Machine Pt. 2



Road Ragin’ Pt. Deuce
03 Marzo 2014 1400


“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.” D. Barry, Dave Barry Turns 50

Cont. on the things that raises my blood pressure while driving on the friendly streets of Middle America…


 6. The One. How, you ask, do you merge like you’re in the Matrix? Well first make sure before you get out of your house/apartment that you don’t give a crap about other people. In the matrix, everything is made up so all these people around you aren’t real. Secondly, you find a busy intersection to merge into. Wait until a car has the right of way on the same exact lane you’re going to merge. Wait on that stop sign/light until the oncoming traffic is most certainly going to need to brake suddenly or hit you. Even better: make sure that there’s no one else behind them…just so he/she knows that you’re personally doing this to fvck their day up (extra points: make sure this person have children in their vehicle---nothing says I don’t give a f*** more than child endangerment). Lastly, but not least, lean back, use one arm on the wheel and merge suddenly but VERY slowly so they have to slam the brakes. Pretend Morpheus just gave you the blue pill and everything is in bullet time. Best if you do this while blasting trip hop or industrial techno, wearing shades, and black trench coat for effect. Remember it’s one thing to try to beat the oncoming traffic so you can merge faster, it’s another to piss them off by taking your sweet ass time as if it’s you’ve got right of way. But I guess you can do whatever you want if you’re the Chosen One.

7. Racer X. Don’t you just love those asswipes that try to race you on stop lights/exit lights and then when they take you over they travel slower blocking you like you’re watching an episode of Speed Racer in real life? Let me give you an example of such Racer X wannabes. Not too long ago I was late for work, I’m speeding 15 mph (yes I’m an asshole too!) early morning (zero dark thirty)…but I’m committed to this speed mind you (been traveling on that road for miles at the same exact speed). I’m on the far left lane. Stopped on a red light and the guy that was behind me, who was travelling way slower, decided he’ll go the next/right lane (make sense right?) So green light goes, I sped to 5, then 10, then 15 over the speed limit, and this dude next to me decided he’ll do the same as if he’s racing me. Okay, I’ve reach 15+ and that’s the most I’ll break the law (as I have for miles because I’m running late). So yours truly and Racer X were up and up for a good mile, when he decided to speed a little more so he can cut me off. No one, not one damned car, was anywhere close (not behind me nor him for probably miles). In my mind, well if he’s committed to that speed (since he’s been doing so for almost a mile after the light as if he was on the last lap of a race trying to beat me) fine as long as he drives as fast or faster so I don’t have to ride his back and I get to travel my desired speed. The guy decided he’ll then travel at speed limit/slow down after he got in front of me. WTF? Four lanes empty! He could’ve merged behind me if he wasn’t willing to travel faster in the first place. So I said, the last bit of reasonable doubt I had left of this motherfcker, to my self that MAYBE he intended to turn left like I did; maybe that's the reason why he had to be in that lane so badly right?...No he didn't. Racer X he just had to be first in line. He was willing to break the law just so he can be in front of me and then conform to the posted speed. Sometimes I wanna arm my truck with a plower/dozer so I can ram these fools off the road. If you’re Racer X here’s the first place trophy m@therfck3r, now hold it up to your eyes…a little closer, a little more…wait for it…

8. Johnny Come Lately. While driving in North America, you pretty much have to be blind, illiterate, or just plain stupid not to know when your lane is coming up. There are signs posted EVERYWHERE telling you where and when to exit, merge, slow down, etc. When I say "everywhere" I mean "eve-ry-whe-re." There are giant signs/billboards mounted on gantries WITH ARROWS pointing which lane this will merge/exit posted 45 ft. above your head. It’s even color coded (yellow means exit only or exit coming up very soon). And at places some are electronic signs telling you messages like “this lane is blocked because of accident” or “delay these many minutes because of so and so”. There are signs on the road/asphalt itself that signify lane endings (dotted lines, or writing that says “This lane ends 1000 ft”). There are also placards posted on the side of the road, either in drawing (which even kindergarteners could decipher) or writing in plain English (‘this lane merges’, ‘exits so and so is in this much and a some odd mile’---down to the quarter mile measurement!) And they are also color coded (orange or yellow aka bright colors so you can read them easily). So why, if you have signs, below (on the road), above (billboards), and on the side (signs) of you, but for the love of gosh, CAN’T you tell when your lane is coming up? And why would one, at the last minute, endanger four lanes worth of motorists by drastically crossing all those fvcking lanes so he/she can get into the exit at the last availed moment when proper time and place should’ve been estimated (exactly when and where) way ahead of time? It’s an excuse to say, I’m "new in town", or "I’m just passing through I don’t know these roads"…but if you live here and you drive similar routes why can’t you find an appropriate distance to slowly get into the lanes you need to be so that when you have to exit you don’t have to slow down, cut off or just piss everyone off desperately trying to exit the freeway/road?

9. The Mexican Roadblocker. Now I honestly don’t know where this racist term came from, but I’m almost certain that it’s not only Mexicans who are doing this. This technique is performed with at least two motorists on at least a double lane road (on either side of direction bound lane eg two north, two south etc.) The person traveling on right lane can travel any speed; it’s the slow lane anyhow at least it’s legal if within posted minimum speed limit. You’ll piss a lot of people off if you travel below the speed limit, but hey it’s legal as long as it’s not slower than minimum. The next step is when the other guy then merge on the left lane (fast lane) and travel the same speed as the guy on the right so side by side no one behind them can pass through. Now before I say a bunch of expletives I’d say that the very rare freeway left merging lanes (most lanes merge only on the right on American interstate/freeway, as well as exits, but these are the few exceptions), it’s excusable…you need to be on the left lane so you can exit/merge and you want to travel the slow speed just for that reason until you merge on that road. But why oh why do d!*kmunchers do this on an open road for no other gotdern reason? If you feel the need to travel at that speed why can’t/don’t you a. travel behind that person on the right b. speed up, merge right and travel in front of that person then travel at the same speed (note “same speed” at the guy behind you, look Racer X #7) c. travel faster on the left lane so others can over take the guy on the right. In most states it’s technically* even illegal to drive on the left lane except to pass (*although rarely enforced), so unless you really want to piss people off mind what lane you drive on. Most freeways have 3-4 lanes (you can hang out there for hours if you want), but if your intent is to travel on the speed limit, fine just keep the farthest left lane open. Keep it open for speed monkeys like me. Sharing is caring.

10. The Prophet. I’d have to admit this last one is probably the most irrational on my list because it has little to do with safe driving. I really don’t have to get mad at ‘em, but I do anyways. I believe in freedom of speech, but it doesn’t mean people who have tons of stickers on the chassis of their car don’t irritate the hell outta me. They usually belong in one of two camps: the political left or the right. Usually these two camps, who for sure are subscribers of either NBC or Fox News, have signs that try to preach to you about various sociopolitical topics. Like “I love my kids too much to vote a Democrap” or “Love Us Not Eat Us” or anything along those lines. They’re like those crazy cat people or those hoarders except they collect and post these advertisement on their vehicles as if they’re going to change people’s minds while sitting on bumper to bumper traffic. Those that aren’t in these two camps are not as crazy but annoying as well. Other such stickers would like to expound to us how much “I LUV MY DACHSCHUND” (yes all in caps) or how “My Son is an Honor Roll Student” (as if they don’t get bullied enough in school). How many times have you been told by such stickers that his other ride is G6 private plane? I love the most are those with Christian ichtus (the fish sign) either as a sticker or a magnet on their bumper. It’s funny how they want to propagate to the world how proud they are to be part of the flock, but when they drive or when they are out and about it very well seem like they are part of the opposite crew (I see how you cared so much for that poor lady broken down on the side of the road with her blinkers on that you didn’t help, and passed her by while you’re listening to worship songs on the radio and while wearing your WWJD shirt---Good Samaritan, least of my brothers what?) Either practice what you say, or papa please don’t preach. Amen.

If you agree, disagree, or have anything to comment about, please do. Once more, pardon me for my language. Some emotions are just hard to convey without such words.

I love you long time,

McLovin’ out.

Relevant tunes:
N. Dogg + Warren G.- Regulate
War- Low Rider
Modest Mouse- Dashboard
Beach Boys- 409
O. Osbourne- Crazy Train

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