Things There Should Be More of In...#1

Things There Should Be More of In...#1
03 Marzo 2014 1400

...Airports

"If you don't have a doctor go to the airport---you'll get a free x-ray and a breast exam, and if you mention al-Qaeda, a free colonoscopy." Anon.

1.  Barbershops. And not just people who cut hair, but good old barbershops. Where you get hot towel straight razor facial shave, facial hair trimming, and real manlier haircuts. I don't mind getting my hair cut at regular hairdressers, I mean for the last ten years I've been getting 2 min buzzcuts from cheap military services, however to get real treatment from places that actually know what you want and take their time to do so is so rare even outside of airports. I haven't even seen a hairstylist in any airport I've been on, let alone a barber. But wouldn't it be amazing? Imagine you getting off the plane to see your loved ones (esp. if it's "the" loved one/her *wink wink*) and not having to worry about how you look. Whether meetings or job interviews, of course you'd care how you appear. People like me that get five o'clock shadows even after shaving in the morning how bad do you think I look like when I get off the plane, most especially after a long flight? Let's just say my mug shots look a lot better. Not having to worry about how you look when you are greeted in the arrival section would be a luxury.

2.  Sleep pods. Ever missed your flight or had to reschedule at a later time? I have. You have a choice to find a room or sleep on the terminals. Neither are good options. Finding a hotel room means you have to walk out of security zone which means you have to get prodded and raped by TSA...yet AGAIN. And if the layover is only half to two hours, it's not really smart or worth it to do so just to get some shuteye. How about sleeping on the terminal? I have slept in terminals before, once overnight, and I tell you it's only seconded by riding a long distance Greyhound bus tour on how sucky it is. Plus it isn't safe. Your stuff is laying about which strangers around you could either steal or mess with. Sleeping out in public opens you to a lot of unwanted attention, vulnerability, and scrutiny. Not to mention that it's uncomfortable. In Japan there are small rentals in big cities, which are nothing but  glorified sleeping bags. They're these elongated spaces big enough to fit an average person (and some), stacked high called "capsule hotels". Imagine if morgue body drawers and dog travel cages had a baby. You can rent them for cheap and for a few hours. There's also an accommodating area where you could lock your bags. That's genius isn't it? You get to sleep in a comfortable and private environment without the inconvenience of expensive pricing, travel outside of airport and most of all for a short stay. It'd be even better if they had a. alarm setter b. TV/radio c. cleaning station for those who are germophobes d. individually sealed bedding (to ensure people are using clean blankets and pillows) which comes with the rental but if you wanted more extra pillows you can pay for extra etc. Why can't we have those in airports? Now there are small sleeping pods in terminals, similar to those you can find at malls and downtown areas where they resemble rent-able massage chairs with an overhead enclosure like tanning booths to ensure privacy. These, however, are very few in comparison to the amount of tired, sleepy, irritated travelers that go through the airports on a daily basis.

3. Terminal space. You ever almost got ran over by those golf carts used by TSA to carry old, handicapped or obese people that can't walk to different concourses? Man there's hardly any space on those terminals during busy flight hours. Americans aren't getting any smaller either, how many do you think you can fit width-wise in those hallways? If not close death from golf carts, you're like neck to neck walking on terminal/concourse corridors like a school of fish when more than one flight come out of a terminal at the same time. And those moving walkways? Packed by lazy people (many of whom should really be walking to begin with!) And let's not even talk about the actual terminal waiting areas. The seating on those are so crammed when several flights are scheduled in tight time proximity, you're really breathing the person next to you's breath...and you're not even inside the plane yet. I haven't even addressed the multitudes of kids running amok with respiratory pathogens and bodily fluids seeping out of their orifices. No wonder people get sick in airports. Esp. now at the risk of extremely virulent diseases like SARS and avian flu? It's a scary thought.

4.  TSA officers and check in lines. Pre-9/11, although I haven't traveled much before then, as far as I can remember inspection lines were a lot faster and smoother. Granted it's safer today (although some may argue...), the travel time and hassle are just over the roof nowadays. Makes you wanna be a terrorist for reals. I mean I missed a flight being slightly less than one and half hour pre-boarding. I've seen surgeries go by faster! Ever been in the airport during the middle of flying hours? It's worse than some rush hour traffic I've been unfortunate to be on over the years. You're carted off like pigs to slaughter: rounded up into lines of small moving enclosures, told to strip and then verified and tagged. And that's only if things went smoothly. Imagine missing to take out that one penny out of your pocket, you'd ring when you cross those metal detectors. They expect you to be half naked (holding your pants up because you took off your belt or because you didn't wear a belt to begin with so as not to have to take it off, while your other arm is holding your belt, wallet, carry on, and shoes) while holding out two or three ID's (your ticket and your drivers' license or passport)...the hell do they think you are? Juggling circus clown? Once again on those metal detectors, say I beep or the guy in front you beep, now what? If you answered longer waiting line you are correct. If you beep they'll cart you off to some secluded area and get a private search. And not the good kind like in exotic clubs (*wink wink*) you pay for either. And how about ticket checkouts? If you're smart enough to get an E-ticket or you're one of those ballers what have platinum-gold (you're that "elite" that they melted two precious metals for just to make your personalized card) members (Ooohhh!!!) where you get a special line with self checkout, you pretty much are going to wait in line to check in your bags and get your ticket. What if there's a problem with the flight? You ever seen those lines in terminals with people already buck crazy because their flights were cancelled or delayed? I saw a grandma wearing those ugly Christmas knitted sweaters with reindeers broke down on those podiums crying and cursing demons because she was gonna miss her grandkids' Xmas recitals because her flight was delayed. I could honestly say that only the courtesy desk aka return your product to Walmart lines are worse. It's a nightmare doing holidays. Wake up TSA and airlines, hire more people.

5.  Washroom attendants. Why the hell do you find bathroom attendants in bars, night clubs, strip clubs and swanky restaurants? The people that would actually appreciate those kinda services would be travelers who are tired, in transit, and are probably missing toiletries. When people go to clubs and such they go there usually prepared, and stay there for a short time. I could see how drunk could appreciate help in bathrooms, but where these people could actually blossom are airports with designated grooming stations. You know places where you can shave, wash your face, change, fix your hair and brush your teeth. I would definitely pay or tip for a warm towel, toiletries, dab of cologne and decent space to wipe dried eye bogeys.

6.  Healthy restaurants. Let's see most airports have the same crap: McD's, BK, Cinnabons, Panda Express, Chilis (or variants thereof), to-go coffee places ala Starbucks derivative and fast food Mexican joints like Que Bueno. As if traveling already doesn't make you unhealthy because you don't care much while in transit (you eat what you can and because you're stressed and tired from traveling you pick comfort foods with little thought of what stuff and how much you're gorging). There are better non-fast food and non-chain joints, but even there the food aren't the healthiest. Mostly why I even bother to go there is usually because they have a TV and a bar. And you may ask about Subway and other sandwich places, well frankly they're stale, boring and really are no better than fast-food. Have you seen the new crap they serve? How could you call yourself a health food joint when you sell sandwiches with Fritos in them? Damn. I don't remember seeing one recently but one chain fast-food I'd settle for in airports would be Chipotle. In general though wouldn't it be great if there were better food options for travelers who want to eat better? Airports should be have healthier and more conscious choices of chow.

7.  Free wi-fi. Now public wifi isn't the best internet access. It's actually pretty unsafe, but if I'm just playing games with my Ipad while waiting for my flight or if a mother is streaming Disney movies, so her kids wouldn't run around, on Netflix or Hulu with her computer, why not? Most people in terminals are ticketed passengers (which means they already paid for ticket/flight and not some random leecher hanging out for free access) anyhow. I know you can pay for internet in cafes and stations here and there, but really it should be free. Just like two check-in bags.

8.  Gyms. Now I thought about spas and saunas in airports for a sec, then I figured it's a stupid idea. They take a lot of space for little value. If I wanted a spa I'd really would wait when I'm out of the airport and saunas are pretty dirty esp. when you have tons of strangers from different parts of the world using it. But gyms though would be fantastic. Flight delayed for a few hours? If there was a 24 Hr. Fitness bet your sweet buns I'd be in there most esp. since I already own a membership. No membership? I mean who the hell would if it's a solitary brand found in that airport only. Well why not one time passes? There are so many corner gyms (by that I mean, small shops with treadmills, ellipticals and stair climbers crammed against the window where anyone can see you) with many attendees, it shows how much a small cramped space could earn tons of $$$. And the most important part of course is it support and advertise healthy living. Couple that with shower stations, hell yeah you'd be making beau-coup money (because people would pay to shower in airports).

9.  Parking. Every time I'm flying I literally have to plan this sh!t. Best real option are the shuttles that you make a schedule with to pick you up. One day crossing fingers we won't hafta worry about finding parking or finding parking that's not gonna blow our wallets.

10.  Considerate people. Yes, I blame myself as well because I'm a doucher at times. First of all people, quit whining. We all should understand why they do what they do. Secondly, always prep for the worst. If you're flight is cutting it, it's probably cutting it. Don't blame everyone else or the pilot if your arrival time is only 15 mins. away from whatever super important event you need to be in. Everyone else is not slow; you're just retarded. If it was that important to you, you'd have scheduled your flight hours and days before it and arrived at the recommended two hours prior to boarding. Thirdly, know that they, like yourself, are working folks. I hardly think that most people that work in airports woke up that day thinking that they will go to work to screw people over. If you have been accused by others at work like that, you ought to know how it feels when customers take it personally when it really wasn't. Don't blame the poor terminal lady for something she has no control over (unless she's Storm from X-men or Jesus, she probably can't stop the heavy snow from cancelling your flight). Sh!t happens and you're not the only one in that airport that's having a crappy day. Save the atomic meltdown some other time.

Aloha and have a safe flight,

McLovin' out.

Relevant tunes:

Iron Maiden- Flight of Icarus
K. Loggins- Danger Zone
Peter, Paul, and Mary- Leaving On A Jet Plane
D. Bowie- Space Oddity
Far East Movement- Like A G6